I wish...

there was a photo editing software that could change THIS


into THIS....


But until it is created...I guess I will keep doing it!

The Last Day

I can't believe today is the last day of 2009. I just shake my head in amazement. I began the year with a word...SHINE.

Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. The Message Matt. 5:14

I am hoping that I accomplished that in these last 365 days, shining brightly in a dark world. I am not sure what my word for next year will be- probably needs to be "organized" or "changer of many diapers"- something I might actually be able to accomplish will be nice-so probably the later.

I am sure that I didn't accomplish all I set out to do...in fact, I ended up getting pregnant and was unable to complete the triathalon I had considered/trained to do. But, these babies are much more important that some competition. My next year seems so far away, but Jan. 1, 2010 is going to come in less than 24 hours and it will begin. I am so unsure of what to expect. We will meet two new babies and adjust to a life of feeding, changing, and more laundry. What a great journey it will be!

My favorite doctor....

A Spring Day at the Park

My (no-so) Little One

Here is a picture of Evy during her gymnastics days last spring. It is one of my favorite pictures as she was beginning her posing for pictures days. She is such a ham!

Belly Pic- Week 21

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This is not the best picture. I took it last week and deleted the ones Michael took because I looked like I had a tire around my waist. So far...I am getting bigger and the babies are kicking like crazy. It is kind of like an octupus boxing match in my belly. They seem to be very active throughout the night and when music is on...they must like the beats.

As the year comes to a close, I am reminded of the things in life that matter most. Christmas was interesting this year. I tried very hard to focus on the reason for the season over the commercialized parts of Christmas. Now seems a time to focus on the new year before us. 2010 will be very different for this family. We will spend the first few months preparing for the birth of our twins, adding a precious son and daughter to our family, then (hopefully) planning a trip with our new family for the summer to the beach, sprinkled with various milestones-first smiles, first laughs, first teeth, first steps. Truthfully it makes me giddy to think about it now! One thing I hope to do is a picture a day-365 moments of our family life captured and shared with friends and family through my blog. I hope I can do it. I am inspired by the Julie/Julia movie...but not that ambitious to make 570something of Julia Child's recipes during the next-most that my family won't eat!

In the interm, I am sharing some of my favorite memories. These picture are of my firstborn and I sharing a tea cup ride in Branson. She is the highlight of most days and usually makes me laugh uncontrollably. Whether it is her crazy stories and different perspectives on life, her imagination makes me smile. Usually she is smarter than she should be and I am blessed to be her mom!

Is today Christmas? Really?

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I am not sure that it is really Christmas. I mean, the tree is a blazing beauty, the stocking are full, Santa's gifts arrived, dinner is in the fridge to be prepared, the white stuff is on the ground, some family has arrived, but I am still not sure it is Christmas. It doesn't feel the same way. I guess it has to do with the belly beatings.

Last week we took a trip to Branson. There was lots of good. We were able to see "The Miracle of Christmas" show. I was able to finish Christmas shopping and purchase some cute clothes for the twins. There was some bad. My FIL ended up in the hospital with high amonia counts and was very confused. The bed was terribly uncomfortable and made me long for home. In the end, we were able to make it home safe and sound before the snow hit...which makes for a good trip.

Two weeks ago, the annual Kids Christmas pagent was the highlight of the week. I was so blessed to see my little one dressed as the dove in the manger scence. She didn't have much to do-except stand and look cute (which she is the best at) and sing her little heart out.

It just doesn't seem possible that today is Christmas

Superabundantly-Isn't that amazing?

A dear sweet high school pal came to visit last night. I haven't seen her in years as our paths have not crossed. She moved away, became a peace corp officer and has spent years working abroad in underdeveloped countries. Her job sounds exciting...twice in her life she has sold everything that wouldn't fit in her car! It was a blessing to hear about her job and her life. Left me a little envious at times to think of all the adventure she has had, people she has met, places she has seen. But, as I went to bed tonight, I decided that I really liked my life. Of course, we all sometimes think about how changes in a few decisions could have resulted in significant changes in the current present.

I got married early. I was technically 20- but only by 6 days. I look at those pictures now-almost 11 years later and I think I look so very young. We didn't have kids quickly, but spent time enjoying each others company. Now that Evy has arrived I seriously don't remember what we did before her. How bored we must have been! She has definitely been a sweet blessing and a reminder of how important life is.

There are some things I wanted to do...places to visit, missions to accomplish that don't seem possible with a child. I don't want to shirk my motherly/wifely responsibilities for those ideas without the Lord's leading. Now as we prepare for the twins, I am finding that I can't picture my life any other way. I mean, yes, I could do a different job, or live in a different house...but the reality of the situation is I don't really want it to change.

I am happy.

Many, many, many years ago (I guess that is relative, given my age) a woman prayed for us to bare children. We were going through a difficult period trying to pinpoint the issues going on. She told us that from her prayer time, she believed we would have a daughter and later a set of twins. I was in love with that idea. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to get two for the price of one? Along came Evy and I soon forgot the promise. We became pregnant again only to let that precious angel experience heaven first. Now we are pregnant with the twins, her words came flooding back to me...amazing how sometimes it takes years for God's promises to be fulfilled. I imagine I waited semi-patiently for this to come to pass. Now, I am wondering who in their right mind would seek out twins, trips or quads?...but I am in amazement of God's promises.

God is able. He is able to do far more that I ever had imagined. The road my life has taken is nothing like I had imagined. It is far better. Praise the Lord! I am thankful that God shows his generous love to us and chooses our path despite "us"!

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Eph 3:20-21 The Message

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, NIV

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]-- The Amplified Bible.

Superabundantly and simply amazing!!!

It's a....

After a very anixous day on Friday, we got to see a glipse of our babies. I have seen both images inside my belly several times, but I still haven't quite grasped what is going to be our new world. In fact I may not really get a full grasp until the nursery is complete and there are two of everything. I have already started planning in my mind.

After the Deeper Still event in OKC, I was able to head to Target and buy a few little outfits for our babies. There was so much cute stuff and I could have gone hog wild in there buying stuff. It was totally a good time!! Unfortuately, I was beyond tired after an emotional weekend with less sleep than usual. I wasn't feeling well, so we skipped seeing the Mills Twins and loading up baby gear from my sisters. Then I headed home to see my family and crashed fast. Today, I am still feeling a little under the weather-stuffy nose and cough- just praying that it will clear up soon.

Okay...enough stalling...

It's a BOY


and a


GIRL!!


We have no doubt that we have one of each inside there. I will try to get their cute faces added to this post this afternoon. In the meantime, I must go teach a little Sunday School and spend some quality time with my family putting up the Christmas tree.

Enjoy this Day the Lord has made! Be blessed!

Ode to Friday

I love Fridays...most everyone does.
This Friday is particularly special.
We will be learning the sex of our babies.
I can't wait...have been counting down the hours.
28 left!
Friday night I will attend a ladies retreat.
First one ever!
With my mom and my sister
Can't you tell I am excited!
Until Friday!

Happy Thanksgiving...

Today is a special day. It use to be my most favorite holiday of all. A time to be thankful for wonderful husbands, precious daughters, more family, friends, freedom, my job, religious freedom, and small things-like hot chocolate and Sonic drinks. It was a time when we set aside time to give blessing to the Lord for the great blessings we had experienced. Maybe for some the one time when they could see there blessings outshining the difficult times in their lives.

Thanksgiving changed.

On Nov. 22, 2007- it became a sad day. We lost our second child that day. The miracle baby for which we had so fervently prayed. Gone in the blink of an eye. It is a funny thing how that works. I thought everything was totally normal, but it wasn't. Truth be told, it hadn't been for weeks. But, the Lord brought us through it. However, Thanksgiving isn't my favorite anymore. Really Nov. 22 shouldn't be my favorite, but for some reason it is stuck on the holiday. Don't get me wrong. I still love me some time with family, celebrating the blessings of the Lord, and some of the traditional dinner we fix. But, this day brings a sad cloud for me. A reminder of that terrible day. It may always be itching in the back of my head.

But Today!

Today, I will push it back, give it to God and be thankful for the blessings. We are so lucky to be charged with the care of our daughter and two precious packages to arrive after Easter. It is amazing how God can begin to turn that dark cloud into a silver lining. I am not going to lie...I will think about my unborn babies and pray that they will not meet the same feat as Autumn on this Thanksgiving day. I will pray for my friends that they will continue to have healthy pregnancies and I will continue to thank the Lord for the provision in my life.

Join Me! Happy Thanksgiving!

The idea of smell

Most of us have 5 senses-sight, touch, taste, hearing and smell. As small babies and children, we learn through the senses. As we grow older we use our senses to recognize situations and as we age more, our senses trigger memories.

If you ask my husband he would tell you my sense of smell is more than any normal human being. I tend to smell things...a lot! And some things that you shouldn't smell too. But smell is a strong sense for me.

As a child and teenager, smells were emphasized to need to be small and delicate-even absent. Due to some horrible perfume and Easy Bake Oven accident that happened while my Dad was a child, he struggles with smell. So, we weren't allowed to wear perfume, have smelly shampoo, etc. Some smells (like Lilac) were totally off limits. As we aged, this created the need to implore some problem solving skills. Usually, perfume was spritzed on after leaving the house-which would have lots of hours to wear off before dinner that night.

My sense of smell often triggers memories. Ladies at church wearing perfume that smells like my Old Grandma bring back sweet memories of summers spent together. Since being pregnant that since of smell is greater than normal. I am not smelling as much-to avoid any sickness problems. But it seems almost everywhere I go a smell triggers some sweet memory.

Last week, we went to get a hamburger at this hole-in-the-wall diner. I had been smelling their fried onions for days and was in need. Of course, after we ordered, I visited their restroom which distinctly smelled like my Grandparents old farm house. I loved that house and the fun summers we played there. I always imagined after I was much older that they would pass away and we would share the house between my sisters during the summers. I even considered living there full time and enjoying country life. Life didn't end as I imagined. After my Grandpa's diagnosis of colon cancer, my Grandparents auctioned the house-furniture and all. Michael and I were not in a financial position to purchase-but I strongly considered it. Since then, that happy family has divorced and who knows who lives in that house. Maybe someday we will go back--and maybe someday I can own it!

My Sister dated Michael Jackson!

No! Not Really!

But in my pregnancy dream state, they had a blast. Truth be told it wasn't the "real" Michael Jackson, but the image of her former boyfriend with the fame and name to resemble. This dream was even complete with photographic memories of Evy from 2-3 years ago, who spend Christmas with her Aunt and MJ in (of all places) El Paso, TX. Also meeting up for breakfast at some dive only to run into some church members. It is pretty funny what your mind does while you sleep.

I had crazy dreams when I was pregnant the last time. They were complete with rich details and insane themes and stunts. I wake myself up laughing at how ridiculous most of them are. In truth, sometimes it is nice to just go back to sleep and see what else happens.

Last night, was the first time in a while I had a dream (that I remembered). I am assuming this is because I haven't been sleeping as well due to these growing babies. Last night, I bit the bullet and ordered a "Back n Belly" pillow. It is the huge u-shaped contraption that might take up a 1/3 to 1/2 of our bed, in hopes that it will aid in a better nights sleep for me. I am pretty impressed with the service of Amazon.com-as I ordered it after 6p.m. last night and with the 2-day shipping options--it will be here Thursday!!! So, I am looking forward to a restful night of dreams on Thursday.

Speaking of Thursday...my youngest sister (the one who dated MJ) is having some hand surgery on Thursday morning. My mom will be going to stay with her tonight and take care of her in her recover. This surgery is on her right hand (dominant) and will remove a "bone tumor/spur-like" from her knuckle area. I guess there is a chance it might be cancerous...but we are believing it is NOT! If you think about it-say a prayer for a speedy recovery!

So Blessed!

These days we seem to be very blessed. We have a great family, food on the table and our health. I could make a few complaints about life in general, but in the grand scheme of things we are living the good life.

Even in uncertain times, as Mike Sr. is in the hospital again and other issues are arising, I am thankful we have a Solid Rock to turn to. I find that my human nature tries to fix/worry about it all myself rather than rely on the One who can. I haven't been successful in my attempts.

I have heard the saying F.R.O.G (Fully rely on God). I want to do it! It just seems that it isn't my first instinct to get on my face and pray. There really isn't anyone to blame except myself. I know it works. I know that God is in control and wants to have an intimate relationship with each of his children. But my human nature of worry and fear kick in and I clam up. Then I feel guilty.

This past month I have seen real life miracles. The kind that happen to stir your faith. It wasn't in my family, but in the family of someone who needed it. I am amazed at how God worked in the situation and while it isn't even remotely close to me...I feel the need to tell about it. You can read about it on Jennifer's blog for the full story.

As a step of faith, I have been praying very specific prayers for God to answer during this pregnancy and the birth of the twins. My human mind can worry and get wrapped up in all the negative that could go wrong, but my faith is strong that God is on my side. We are praying...These babies will be born in April, strong and healthy. They will not spend time in the NICU or the level II nursery and that I will not be on bedrest during my pregnancy. We are also praying for God to finacially support us during this time as I will be missing more work than planned. I don't know the big picture but God does...and I am relying on Him!

The Chronicles of living with a 4 yr old Part 1

These last few weeks have been interesting. While I feel great some days and not so great others, I have been trying to make everything seem normal. It isn't really normal and doesn't look normal, but we are trying to make our way through this new part of our lives. It has been great so far...but I am still tired!

Evy has been particularly animated the last few weeks. She seems to be clinging to her mom more than usual. I guess this has to do with not being the baby for much longer. She has asked questions about her as a baby. Lately, she has been non-stop talking. She has elaborate play with big vocabulary words a four year old should not be using. I think she watches too much TV in the afternoon.

I have decided to share with you some of the interesting conversations that take place at our house. These are the Chronicles of living with a 4 year old.

Me: Evy, do you want to wear a dress or pants to school?
Evy: A dress
Me: Okay I will go get your clothes. You can stay in here and snuggle with dad.
Evy: Mom, Optimus Prime, Ratchet, Bulkhead, Bumblebee and Prowl are sleeping on my carpet. Don't wake them up. oh, and Sory is on my bed asleep
Me: Okay
Evy: (screaming to me in her room) DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT

I turned on the light, got the clothes, turned off the light, I assume not waking her sleeping autobot friends because she checked on them later and they were still asleep.

If you know much about autobots, you know that Transformers are huge robot beings...which don't fit on a 2x 3 piece of pink fuzzy rug. But for her, they do!

The Flu...

it stinks!!

If anyone would like to come and do my dishes, teach Sunday School, take care of my family, make dinner, sweep and mop the floors, run some errands...you would be welcome. There are some precautions however to step foot into our infected house.

I have the flu. My babies seem to be fine. I can easily find there heartbeats on my doppler. I plan to spend the next days in bed and taking the tamaflu they prescribed. It seems inevitable that the rest of my household will shortly begin their fate with the flu and it stinks!!!

Let's be honest...

the last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotion. One friend found out she was pregnant another lost her baby just a few days further along than mine.

To be honest, I have kind of spiraled a little out of control. I spent last night praying that God would continue to keep my babies alive, well and growing. I have the Doppler (the thing you hear their heartbeats with) but haven't been able to hear them yet. You can hear them anytime from 8-12 weeks. Today was better emotionally, but my sorrow for my friend is large.

So...I came home today and was able to pick up at least one babies heartbeats. It was quiet and fast...later tonight we will listen some more. Previously their hearts were beating the same so it may be hard to differentiate.

So now we continue to trust and wait for these babies to grow strong.

Today is Monday...

Last night as we were getting ready to go to bed, Evy asked, "Mom is tomorrow school or no school?" I answered, tomorrow is a school day. She didn't say anymore. I wondered what she thought- was she happy about the new school week, or did she (like me) want just a few more days of no school? We will get those days later this week...as Fall Break approaches...until then today is Monday and it is a school day.

Today marks 10 weeks 4 days.

Make a pregnancy ticker

I am beginning to feel a little more pregnant. I am somewhere in between the miserable feelings of early pregnancy and the amazing fetal movements. I have been feeling a little less tired and more "growing pains". My regular clothes are beginning to be a little uncomfortable.

I learned today that the babies respond to touch as early as the 7th week. By the 10th week intrauterine contact begins between the babies. They may touch, kick, embrace, suck on each other and kiss. Between the 12th and 16th week they begin more interplay and interaction. Around the 16th week, mothers have reported seeing their babies "help" each other by offering a thumb to suck or touching a cheek during a stressful time. Isn't that amazing?!?

I have been reading books...some not so pleasant things. But, when I read something like that I am absolutely standing in awe of my Heavenly Father. I am still experiencing the head shaking awe of the fact that I will be blessed with two babies. And looking forward to the 185 days ahead!
*I know it says 206- but that is for a single pregnancy-not double!

It seems all is well with our little babies. They are growing, moving like crazy, and have the most amazing beating hearts. If you look really closly you can see the jaw and leg of Baby 2.



Here is Baby 1- He was laying upside down. (in this view) The legs are kicking in toward the right.


The OB's u/s technology isn't the greatest...but the good news is I will be getting a view of these babies at every visit! YEAH! I suppose that we will be looking toward a C-section on or around April 13!! This is really going to happen! I guess I should start doing some planning!

Happily Ever Autumn...

I love October.

I love going to the pumpkin patch and picking the best one.

I love taking pictures of my daughter playing in the leaves.

I love pumpkin stew.

I love the smell of firepits.

I love carmel apples and endless supplies of chocolate.

I love making soup and baking bread.

I love the changing colors of the leaves.

I love watching the leaves drift from the trees.

I love the cooler weather and the need for sweaters.

I love wearing jeans and jackets.

I love as October changes to Novmember and preparing for Thanksgiving.

Upon Morning Light....

Well, it is really not light here yet, but it is the morning. I think that yesterday I was a bit down because of two reasons. #1 I am absolutely freaked out that this pregnancy is not going to go according to my plan. You know, because God's plan isn't always my plan. I am still learning the lesson to give it up...and NOT take it back. #2 I haven't been reading/studying the Word this week. In fact, honestly, my Bible is in the trunk of my car from Sunday. So...with a little more rest, some quiet time and some prayer...the world will be looking up very shortly.

Trying...

I am not good at this. I am not good at waiting. I am not good at not worrying. The miracle of life is an amazing thing! I mean about 300ish days to make a human. But it is a long time! I am trying to be patient.

I am trying to be confident. I am trying not worry. I am trying to give it to God. AND I am trusting He has it all in his hand.

I still wonder. I still worry. I am still a little scared. I am still human.

I have one more week until we "see" our babies again. So far they have made it past the point our Autumn grew...surpassed by a week+--I am trying to trust that all is right.

I am finding it is harder to try when you are so exhausted. Tonight is the latest I have been up in a long time. I am hoping that I won't pay too much tomorrow. So for tonight I will go to bed a wake up to a "New Day" and start this "trying" all over again. I am hoping it gets easier.

Two hearts beating wildly....

A visit to the RE office confirmed what I had kind of expected all along.

Twins.

I am not to sure that it has totally sunk into my head. I was just getting use to being pregnant...the miracle of that is Amazing. So I am still shaking my head and muttering "fudgesicles" under my breath. I truthfully expected to go to the appt to find a not viable baby. But God had another plan in mind.

So my head is still spinning, but I am trilled. Nonetheless. Scared, but trusting. At least now I know I am not crazy because my pants don't fit anymore. I am always hungry, but can only eat a few bites at a time and the barfroom-I mean bathroom is my new best friend.

So here are some pictures of the little babies growing inside my belly.



This is a picture of Baby B above Baby A. It is kind of hiding behind the ovary a little. Baby B measured 7w 5d and had a heartrate of 174.



This is Baby A. Baby A measured 7w 4d and had a heartrate of 174. Very healthy as far as can be concluded right now.

My RE is realeasing me to my OB, so I see him in Oct. In the meantime, please keep praying that this all progresses to 2 healthy little ones (we suspect girls) that will not be too early or spend time in the NICU. I am also praying that there are no complications on my part. Thank you dear friends for following us on this journey.

Updates and some news!

Sorry bloggie friends...I have been the worst blogger over the last month. So here are some updates!

Update: School is going well. It is going to be a pretty good year. We seem to be adding a new student every week, so we are now up to 5 in the morning and 7 in the afternoon.

Update: Evy is loving school. She has made a few friends, mostly boys, and is having a hard time understanding why they can't spend the night. She is really blossoming into a 16 year old morphed in a 4 year old body.

Update: Against all my better judgement, we got a puppy. Molly is a Lhasa Apso and poodle mix and seems to be the cutest thing around. Evy is absolutely in love. They watch movies together, follow each other around the house and are just as cute as could be. Molly seems to have potty trained herself in just a few short weeks...unlike (ahem,) the dog who remains outside because he pees on beds.

Update: If you must know, my mattress is wonderful. It was the best large purchase we have made for our house, recently. I still love it--and I am making good use of it!

Update: The study of the Minor prophets in Sunday School is over. ThankyouJesus! I learned a few things, but that study was very hard for me to get "into"! I am now facilitating the Beth Moore study of Daniel during the Sunday school hour. It is pretty good and I am enjoying it much more than the minor prophets- plus she is such a dynamic speaker.

Update: Yeah, It is almost fall. Time for cooler weather, football, fireplaces. Fall is my most favorite season and probably the hardest one emotionally. So...in honor of "Remembering Autumn" I will be changing my blog background to be a little more Fall-like. Enjoy!

Breaking News! Michael and I are escaping town tomorrow (childless) to go check out the new Hardrock Hotel in Tulsa. We have heard great reviews...and we will be meeting some fun friends for dinner. Our first double date and we have know each other for years. I also have another RE appointment...and will hopefully have some more news to share Monday...so STAY TUNED!

The Napping Debate

I don't know what it is but lately I have needed to nap. Michael came home today and told me that I looked like I had been hit by a truck and to go rest for a while. I ended up taking about an hour long nap--which never seems enough for me. I woke up crankier than when I went to sleep...and now I am not tired enough to fall asleep. It seems I should be tired as I am being serenaded by the sleeping sounds next to me. I am sure if I just shut the computer and rolled over, the story may change.

Napping is always an interesting concept. We know little ones need a nap-but when do they grow out of it? By the way my four year old was acting today she hasn't. In fact, I would dare say most of us need a nap each day, but we don't have time to do it. I know some people who can take a twenty minute power nap and be recharged. Me...I am more of a two hour siesta napper. It really isn't worth it to me if it isn't long I am up for the concept in Mexico...close up shop and take a 2 hour rest. Or like this gorilla resting at the OKC zoo. This picture was taken by the Taviano's on their 52 zoos adventure.


But...America doesn't work that way. So tomorrow, I will go to work and long for my afternoon siesta which will probably be replaced by a warm cup of tea.

To God Alone be the Glory!

In this crazy world it is nice to take some time and just thank God for who he is. My sister pointed out to me that time in prayer is usually spent quickly acknowledging God, thanking him briefly, confessing a little, and then asking alot.

This week I am trying to spend some time (on my face) acknowledging Him and will surely be thanking him with almost every breath. After all, doesn't He deserve it?

The Waiting Game

For me waiting until "Monday" is much like a kid waiting in line to pay for a totally cool, rideculously awesome toy they found. Not sure if they have enough money to really make the purchase complete, they anticipate with great anxed the ability to take it home. They have patience as the person before them scans their thousands of tiny items as the seconds slowly tick past but the excitement rises and falls as they wait. They want to play so badly, they can vision themselves happy and having such fun, but they still must wait. Eventually it will become their turn and they will get the news-whether they like the news or not-but until then they must wait!

I am really not sure what the results will say on Monday. My MIL says she is sure it is positive and there are "babies" not just "baby" because I am glowing. My cranky attitude could really be taken either way. I did have a dream about a doctor calling me to tell me good news. So I continue to wait.

Mom to Mom

I came this morning to write at "Not Me" Monday post, but once I opened my dashboard another post became more important. Missy over at It's almost Naptime had a great Mom to Mom question. Had do you talk to a person going through infertility? Especially when you have not experienced it and have several kids?

Infertility is such a hard ordeal to go through. For those of you, like Missy and Hilary it is easy to get pregnant and not a lot of thought goes into the process. For others it is a long, meticulous, grueling battle of body, emotions, prayer and usually doctors.

I think for me as a fertily challenged women is the feeling that swirl though my head of not being able to do the job that I was created to do. Looking back through Genesis, Eve was created as a help mate for man and to have babies. I can't do that easily. So, usually I feel like less of a woman because my parts don't work right.

Another hard aspect is watching people with kids (who don't want them) There are many families who have been blessed with children who display characteristics that make you (as an infertile women) yearn to be like them...then there are others who you think didn't deserve their kids as they yell and hit them in public. This is the hardest part for me.

Having a conversation with a women who is going through this is difficult, because while you want to say the right thing to make her feel better-often we just want someone to listen. The truth of the matter is words don't make it feel better-actions do. You have to find a way to love on that lady through her language of love. For me, that would be flowers to tell me you thought about me on an annivarsary date of my miscarriage. Or bring up some converstation we had concerning a meaningful point...

The main thing is start praying for healing for her heart. Loss of a child through miscarriage is one of the most devestating things...for me it was more hurtful than the process of infertility. When you invest so much time, money and emotion every 28-32 days trying to accomplish the goal of pregnancy. You are overjoyed when it happens! You start planning things-dreaming about what the future will hold- and then if it is taken away it is literally like a death. But often miscarriage is not accepted as death of a child because you hadn't met or held them...oh but you have in your heart.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I call to You, Yahweh!
Adonai, listen to my voice, let Your ears be atten-
tive to my cry for help
Anodai, if you considered sings, Yahweh, who could
stand?
But with You there is forgivensss, so that You
may be revered.
I wait for thee Yahweh, I wait and put my hope
in Your Word.
I wait for thee Yahweh more than watchemen
for the morning-more than watchmen
for the morning.
Isreal, put your hop in Yahweh. For there is
faithful love with Yahweh and with Him
redemption in abuldance.
And He will redeem Isreal fro all its sins.

Monday again!

Yeah! It is Monday! The beginning of a new week! My first whole week back at school for the 09-10 year. Can you see I am trying to be positive about it! I thought I would celebrate it with a Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week has been quite eventful. Two trips to the doctors office, my father-in-law admitted, released and re-admitted to the hospital, and starting school was all in the mix.

In truth we are still recovering from Evy's Fancy Nancy b-day party. I just now finally got the table cloth taken off. It was Not me! who stapled it to the table to be sure it all stayed in it's beautiful place. After the party, rest assured that I had everything immediately cleaned up. We are good people. It is havNot Me! who let orange slices rest in the punch bowl because I am too tired, lazy, or full-minded to remember to wash the punch bowl. And it is also Not Me who is in desperate need of mopping the floor-that must be my neighbor ya'll! And it is Not Me! who wants to keep the tissue paper pom-poms hanging in the dining room. I mean pink does compliment green.



It was also Not Me! who hit the garage door with the side mirror of my new car. I wouldn't do that, I definately would be more careful since I didn't already it the garage door once with the mirror and left a huge mark. Thankfully this time there was no evidence-except Evy who "can't tell a lie!"

It was Not Me! who picked out the refrigerator we bought last week only to find that it is TOO big for the spot in our kitchen. It is too tall to fit under the custom (not our custom!) cabinets built above our existing fridge. So...it is Not Me! (and it really wasn't) who decided we would just cut the cabinet instead of purchase the fridge that would fit-because it wasn't worth the money. So tonight Michael will be cutting the cabinet to fit...he'll need some prayers! I am hoping there will be pictoral evidence of this endevor.

Oh...this week Evy got her shots for beginning school. She has been watching me administer my daily Follistem shots in an effort to be brave. I assure you she was definitely brave...oh wait that was in my dream! She gave us a run for our money. It was Not Me!, my mom, and two nurses that held her down while they stuck her with three needles. We counted to 22-probably the longest 22 seconds of her life. And in payback, she was allowed to stick me in the backside at the RE office on Saturday. Thankfully she declined.

In a more serious note, I want to thank those of you who have been praying for us. Michael and I have faced a tough week as the fertility meds began to have an effect on me. I am now feeling better and we are just waiting. In two weeks, I should have some answers. Thanks for your prayers and I am just continuing to believe that this is God's timing-since it was SO perfect and waiting to hear the great news.

Also, Michael's father is recovered from his most serious infection. For a few days he was pretty dazed and confused about the world. He was in a terrible state and we were on our knees for his recovery. He has faced a lot during this illness in the last three years. I really want him around to meet our other child(ren) when they/if they are born. We have been praying for his liver's healing and restoration. Now join me in praying for his anemia to be healed. He leaks blood from his intestines and gets (sometimes weekly, bi-weekly or monthly) transfusions. We would appreciate the prayers for Mike to make a full recovery and once again enjoy life to the fullest-from outside a hospital room!

Summer Sped Past

I can't beleive as I type this that I must be at school in one hour! Summer has flown by faster than the jets buzz past my house. But alas, much has been accomplished.

Just this week alone, I have considered a business adventure, had a great report from the doctor concerning our fertilty med cycle, bought a refridgerator, worked out (and enjoyed it) and cooked dinner using organic veggies from my own garden. I had kind of got out of the cooking dinner habit so it was nice and yummy.

Today my time turns back to the classroom and unfortunately, that means giving up the whole day with Evy. It will nice to be on a schedule again but I sure will miss our cuddling mornings watching TV, picnics at the park, swimming at the pool, watching her learn to ride a bike and meeting Michael anytime I want.

Soon enough we will be back to a new normal-one where Evy attends preschool, dance begins again, church activities resume and cooler weather arrives and perhaps morning sickness as well. Until then I will enjoy the adjustment!

The Doctors

I woke up this morning with the awesome idea that I would write the doctor that treated my FIL a letter and plead for some help. So, I hopped on the John Hopkins Website and much to my sleepy surprise there are no emails listed. I guess that makes sense now that I am much more awake and alert. I am also kind of bummed.

Yesterday he didn't make it to Evy's party. For the most part she keeps him going, but he is weak and tired. I don't know how much fight is left in him. The doctors are just letting him wither away due to his anemia and bleeding issues. I am often frustrated because he doesn't have an advocate that sticks up, asks questions and pushes the bounds, rather than just letting the doctors decide. Their answer is more units of blood and GI bleed scans that turn up negative. He is not bleeding, yet he is.

There has to be something! So I think I am pleading to Hollywood and his favorite TV show to help...maybe they can find someone to fix him!?!

The day-in a nutshell

We have company coming this afternoon and a party to prepare for tomorrow. I don't know what it is, but I am into birthdays-they are special "holidays" around our house. I seem to be one of those mom's who plans extravagant parties-maybe more for me than for her, but alas, she has fun and remembers the last two-the horse and the castle.

This year it is Fancy Nancy- for those of you a bit out of the loop on children's books for girls.



Fancy Nancy is a wild, young girl with a larger than life personality, who adores all things fancy. She always dresses extravagantly, wearing boas, tutus, ruby slippers, fairy wings, and fuzzy slippers. Nancy loves using big fancy words such as "iridescent", "ecstatic", and "extraordinary" and anything in French. She has redecorated her bedroom with everyday items, such as feather boas, Christmas lights, paper flowers and hats. Her favorite doll is named Marabelle Lavinia Chandelier.

In Nancy's opinion, her family is ordinary and dresses rather plainly, so Nancy decides to hold a class in the art of fanciness for her family. They oblige, and Nancy helps to dress them in bows, ornaments, top hats and gaudy scarves. "Ooo-la-la!" Nancy cries in delight. "My family is posh! That's a fancy word for fancy."

So this is the list of things to accomplish today! And unfortunately it will be alone since Michael's worker called in sick...he'll be stuck until 4.

Clean the house-this list is longer than I want to admit.
Enroll in fall dance class 1-6
take necklaces up to school for MZ to check out
find my file cabinet keys on my school ring
decide on party menu and purchase food and TP
make cake
complete the photo frames and plumes that the girls will receive
charge camera-get printer dock set up
make tutu and necklace-
figure out mine and Michael's fancy outfits
must shower today
laundry, laundry, laundry

The very most important of all...change the living room into the salon and decorate for the party!

That should do it...I have about 32 hours to accomplish this feet, plus all the mom things I have to do- you know fix the boo-boos, meals, etc.
It should be fun...wish me luck!

Happy Birthday

Today my Evy turns 4. I can't even begin to believe she has been living and breathing for 1,460 days, 35,040 hours, 2,102,400 minutes, 126,144,000 seconds- give or take a few.
She was born July 29 at 5:04pm weighing 6lbs 4 oz and was 18 inches long. She was perfect in every way.
Very quickly she turned into a Grandpa's girl, showing her Daddy and I a little love.
The first family Christmas photo. I am not sure this is the one we used, but it is the one I could find today.
This is me, I mean Evy...it is so hard to tell. Notice the "Everything's better at Grandma's" shirt, in her case it is so true.
Her hair continued to grow and she became a little princess diva quite quickly. Her daddy is very smitten with her smile.
And this one, too. This picture (above) was taken just a month before her third birthday.


Today she turns 4. She weighs at least 7 times what she did 1450 days ago and she is a bigger blessing as well. I don't always love the fits she throws, but my love for her grows at least 7 fold each day-usually more. I would be lying to say that I don't miss her little tight grasp on my finger, or the smell of baby lotion and shampoo. I miss the snuggling before bed, but I am loving every minute of what I've got now!

Day 1 injectables!

This morning I went back to school for the first time since May 26. In just a few short weeks our halls will be buzzing with little children in new clothes followed by an intoxicating aroma of new school supplies. I absolutely love the getting ready for school. I always approach the first day of school with mixed emotions- overjoyed excitement and the first-day-on-the-job nervousness. As I prepare my classroom this year, it is a little different. My baby will turn 4 tomorrow and start school 2 weeks later! *sigh* Today I went to see what is in store to get ready for the year. The carpet is SuPeR cleaner-whatever they did is amazing! I started the painting process and then started wishing I hadn't, but it is beginning to look better.


Michael and I are also embarking on a new chapter of fertility issues as I will begin my injections tonight. I again have the same type of feelings as I prepare for school. Overjoyed excitement and nauseous nervousness! In just a short month will again be on another course-either preparing for baby or enduring menopause. Dr. B mentioned that the next injection cycle would probably need to be followed up with an insemination. As for this cycle, join me in praying that I will need my trigger shot BEFORE or AFTER the 10th but not on it. The 10th is a SUPER busy day for me and I don't know how I am going to fit in a drive to the doctor. He did mention that since I was older it would be a little different and might take more meds and a longer period of time. UGh...that *older* word is starting to creep into things.

So...between 1-4p.m. Evy's new bunk bed/loft should be delievered. It probably isn't making it in 20 minutes, so I am going to run out and get her comforter and some more painting supplies for the classroom.

vacation 09 (67 photos), by Amy Hartling

I'd like to share my Snapfish photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.
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Estes Park, CO elev. 7522

I really didn't think that the altitude would bother me...and I was wrong. It wasn't too bad, but the side winding roads did bring on some car sickness in addition to an altitude headache.

The back of our cabin/resort had a little mountain to climb. Evy and I enjoyed going up and down the hill the first night. Eventually she chickened out.

The first full day we went shopping at the quaint downtown area. We bought Evy her first silver and turquoise ring (which she has already lost) and we all took a nap. Next to the cabin a river runs parallel to the road-icy cold rapids awaited and the family took a trip into the river several times. Evy really enjoyed playing in the river mud. We enjoyed the warm sun, cold river until it got a little too warm. I can tell you that I am NOT missing the 116 degree weather we left, but the CO sun can get toasty.

We enjoyed dinner at Hunters Chop House next to Lake Estes and then a drive into the Rocky Mountain National Park. Unfortunately, we only saw 2 wild animals. A little chipmunk and a dear. We climbed a peak to altitude of 10338ft and saw a little snow and experienced a rainstorm and 45 degree weather before we left the park at dark.

More to come tomorrow! Meanwhile enjoy the pictures!

A Long Strange Trip

Evy and Grandma in the back seat watching a movie.

Once we got into Colorado, we experienced a storm which included a tornado watch. This is the rainbow that we saw as we drove away from the truck stop in Lemar, CO.


This is the view from the Colorado Springs hotel room. We spent the night here after a long drive from Oklahoma.

We went to the Cave of the Winds and Garden of the Gods before driving to Boulder and Estes on Sat.






There was more sleeping as we drove to see my HS pal and her family.



This is the view of the back of our cabin.
More to come tomorrow!!!

Fancy Nancy Set

I have been working all morning to get the invitation for the party complete. Aren't they adorable...now the party will have to live up to the invitations!

As blonde as I pay to be!

Yesterday, I was unloading the "things" in the trunk of my car before loading up some gear and lunch for the Splash pad. I set my phone under the trunk lid, next to the struts that aid in holding it up. Oh, I know what you are thinking...I shut the phone in the trunk, smashing it into small ever-loving pieces...NOPE!

The phone slid into the tail light. Yes, the tail light. I tried to stick my hand down there and almost had the phone retrieved. Then it slipped further into the tail light housing. I tried to find the screws that would pop off the housing- with no such luck, so I went to the Internet to get some instructions. No luck!

So I gathered some kitchen tools-tongs and a 2 prong fork- and headed back out. Except this time, I got my hand stuck in the car. You need to have the whole picture to enjoy this...

Standing in my garage-door up for all the passing cars to witness-trunk lid open- daughter in the house- phone inside the tail light- hand stuck in the the tail light...no additional phone in the house. Did you get that in your mind?...it is kinda of funny huh!?!

For about 10 seconds-which felt like an hour- I really started to panic thinking I was going to need to call the fire department for some rescue- but how the heck was I going to do that?...my phone was in the stupid tail light!

I did get my hand out- not without some souvenir marks. I sought out some smaller hand help- Evy tried to get it, but knocked it through and it fell on the floor of the garage...how simple was that!?!

Not Me Monday

Oh yes... it is that time again!

Time for MckMama's Not Me Monday!

This week is was not me who let my daughter wear plastic princess shoes to dinner-because she calls them her dinner shoes. I am also not the mom who lets her daughter wear the costumes to the store. or put on lipstick in church...nope not me!

I did not go to the store and buy several shirts, with the intention of embellishing them myself so that I don't have to pay $30 for a cute t-shirt for school next year. I am also not seriously considering purchasing nursing pants to wear to my job. No, not me...I 'should' be more professional than that...however scrubs would be cheaper than getting all the snot, etc than my other nice slacks.

It was not me who decided on a whim Sat. morning to get my hair cut and colored at a salon that just moved into the mall...I didn't drag my daughter and husband along- with the intention of getting their hair cut too. I then didn't just about drop my mouth open at the bill...nope not me...I spend money without thinking.

I also was not lucky enough to get a new car this week confirming that I am SO blessed!

Going to bed with my hair wet

Tonight I am doing just that...going to bed with my hair wet.

This week, I have been facilitating a Schools Attuned worshop. I have been staying in a hotel a 100+ miles away from home. Fortunately, my opar (my mother) came along, so that I was able to spend the week with my daughter, instead of away. I like to stay in hotels, but without my whole family, it isn't complete. I have greatly missed my husband. He has been at home, dealing with the stresses of life without his lovely wife. I can say that...because he would tell you it is true.

This week has been a new experience. I am teaching a different curriculum and with a partner I haven't taught with before. I have had 4 consecutive bad hair days and I also haven't felt great. We are in the middle of ovary suppression and I ended my cycle 4 days early, which has thrown my plans for a loop- The good news is God's timing is still on track.

Anyway...at the end of the day, the participants give us feedback in the form of a reflection. Yesterday I was blown out of the water by the negetive entry we recieved. I am not sure if it was me, or her, but it bothered me. It said something to the fact that we were unanimated and monotone. Me? monotone? really?!? So I was over-the-top-oohhy-goohy animinated...and it worked. They ate it up! But, all that goohyness is exhausting...

Michael came down to enjoy some Zio's dinner and watch Big Brother with his bride. He then loaded up my daughter and mother and returned home. So tonight I will sleep in that big bed all alone- with my wet hair- hope my alarm goes off in the morning and I find myself in the midst of a good hair day- at least I owe the partcipants that...since I have been boring and monotone-you know?!?

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to my verson of MckMama's blog carnival... Join us in liberating the choices we may or may not make this week.

This week, I certianly did not tell my daughter to take a nap and then was totally shocked when she put nail polish on her fingernails, fingers, toes, toenails, foot, leg and even her face an in her eye. She did not explain that she was trying to use the nail polish as Lash Blast- you know, "cause it makes your eyes pop" I am definately not to blame as I do not wear mascara everywhere. My husband and I did not spend 15 minutes explaining that we would probably need to take her to the hospital while she screamed and cried...hoping to flush out any nail polish in her eye. Oh...and I didn't take pictures of the faces she was making. This behavior would be particularly cruel as she has an understanding of hospitals and getting IVs and blood because her Grandpa spends lots of time there!

I also didn't let my daughter go to the mall dressed like "Fancy Nancy" and have lunch with a friend. Nah! We are dressed in normal play clothes when we leave the house. And my daughter certainly doesn't wear the same (dirty) dress everyday at home as her "house dress"!

I also did not let my (almost) 4 year old suck on a pacifer because she wanted to pretend to be a baby...when she pitched a fit before bed when I tried to take it away, I didn't win the battle by not figthing it.

I also did not cry during the movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen while taking my hubby on a surprise date.

I also did not laugh so hard that I almost peed my pants when I went to go see The Hangover with my family. We don't like to expose ourselves to unhealthy language and things of that nature. And I am certainly NOT recommending that you see both of the aforementioned movies...soon!

Kids Say the Darndest Things....

Evy says some pretty cute phrases these days. She is developing quite a little personality as she races toward turning four. Although I will say that she picks up on quite a few of the things that she hears and repeats them-in and out of context.

Yesterday, she was singing a song that her and her daddy sing. It is a little back-and-forth tune- where he says " I love my Evy" and she responds "I love my daddy" They play this game for a while and she usually changes up who she loves. Yesterday, she said "I love my daddy"--"my mom is boring" Michael couldn't get over that at all.

She is definitely the speech police. If anyone is having a conversation containing too much emotion...she will say "calm down" or "chill out"! She also doesn't like people to argue. She told Michael and I to be nice to each other when we were having a little discussion in which we didn't agree.

A few weeks ago, she asked to play Red Rover as we were getting ready for bed. I asked her, how do you play red rover. She responded, "Mom you lay down, put your booty in the air, I climb on. Then you (push your nose with your index finger) and I s'plod (explode) to daddy."

She is in love with makeup- she thinks it makes her beautiful. And yes, I am preparing some sort of Biblical lesson on self-worth etc. for her (and I). Anyway, she loves the mascara commercial for Cover Girl's Lash Blast. She noticed that I use lash blast and told me "it makes your eyes pop." When she was sick Michael got her a little beauty kit that had shimmer lotion, lip-gloss and fingernail polish in it. She had been using the polish to paint my toes at times. Eventually, I guess she took it into her room and was trying to paint her own fingers, toes, legs, and even tried to use it as "lash blast" when she was to be laying in her bed resting. It was the highlight of my Tuesday! I wasn't sure what was in her eye-if she had just poked it or what. But, after many, many, many tears she seems normal, so no emergency room visit was in order.

Making a movie

Last night after a very long day which included a long meeting at church, Michael and I took Evy to downtown to see the making of the movie. Film crews have been in town a couple of days, the town square has been transformed into the 50's era. It was amazing to see our little town being thrust into a movie.

In reality it was too late, too dark for good pictures and you couldn't get too close. But, we walked around to different places and had a pretty good experience. I didn't see any famous people (like Casey Affleck, Simon Baker or Kate Hudson-some of the stars) but we did see some people whose names will make the credits. We saw some prop people, the director and some camera men. Several times we even heard some of the lines of what I can only imagine is a fight scene. It was cool to hear them yell rolling down the block when the cameras began shooting. Evy asked "what are they rolling?" We have heard the the crew was very happy to work in our little town because the people where so respectful and accommodating. It was nice to hear.

How do you celebrate?

I have officially begun Planning a Posh Soiree! Evy's birthday is always big ta-doings here at the homestead. You know...she is kind of spoiled...and such a miracle, we figure we should celebrate it right.

The first year we had a tie dye party. Evy was really too young to know that was going on, so we did something fun for the adults. But she sure enjoyed the cake.





For her second birthday, she ASKED to have a pony. Now that Daddy of hers, is wrapped so tightly around her finger that her circulation is becoming a problem. We not only had a pony, but a goat and a chicken too! We had a tent put up and hay bales brought in. It was a nice reminder of why you don't plan an outdoor party at the end of July. But all in all was pretty fun!

*sorry can't find the pictures** will add later**

For her 3rd birthday, I decided to plan at Leonardo's. We had a princess party. With a fabulous cake by Mary. It was a fun day of playing and exploring indoors and then cooling off outside at the castle's water area.




For her fourth birthday, the planning has begun early since we will be out of town and busy with VBS during the month. She wanted a pirate party, a Hannah party and to go to Hawaii for her birthday. She has been SO into lipstick, make-up and beauty that I figured a Fancy Nancy party would be the perfect fit. We can do it up a a local salon or do it ourselves. The cost would be about the same, but of course doing it ourselves we can invite more people AND add some extra items. So...do you have any ideas for our Fancy party?

If you have some cool ideas...add them in the comments. OTHERWISE.........

I want to see how you celebrate birthdays! Add you party page links here using the *New* MckLinky.

Rough Week

I have been in a funk all week. I wasn't sure why. I just haven't felt normal-really I was feeling about half crazy. Most things annoyed me and I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat. Still could, really, but that is a whole other post. Usually shopping makes me feel better. Last night, Michael and I went and looked at bedding (for the new bed that hasn't been ordered yet). We spent a small fortune on sheets, blankets, shams, etc. The lady kept trying to get us to buy decorative pills and I kept saying no, because I don't even make my bed. Then we made another family purchase. The bleh feeling didn't subside. When we got home family came and that was a little better- I felt myself smile for the first time today. Later as Michael and I were talking about our new bedding, I realized it is much like our old bedding- so it is likely going back!

There are many reasons to be have experienced a bleh week.

We are half way through summer- so the boredom blues may be starting to hit.

Michael's dad was put in the hospital again-admitted through ER due to a drastic bleed, which turned out to stop itself...and he was released Friday- Praise God!

The plans for ordering new office equipment had to be put on hold due to the "holds" on the insurance money. So, I will be leaving before that happens.

Our vacation plans may be changing due to Mike's recent hospitalization.

Really? I asked myself this morning...truthfully, those kinds of reasons happen every week around here. Plans change and few things go my way. But I never feel like this. It could be the new birth control that I started, but...ah maybe a little.

Truthfully, I think it is a deep in my soul revealing of what this week is. I hadn't really thought about it...But Monday-the 22st would have been the 1 year birthday of our lost baby. If she had been born on schedule. Now I can't even remember really- the 15th, the 22nd- it doesn't really matter. All I know is that the dates passed with no connection. Hidden below is a counter it has been since we lost her. I usually ignore it, but I glanced at it the other day. 1 year and 7 months. A lifetime ago really. That dream is gone. Now we face the reality of another possiblity in a couple weeks. I am hopeful but not too confident. I guess I am trying not to be too confident because I don't want to experience the heartbreak again. If I think it won't work and it doens't-it hurts less.

I don't want to live with that attitude. I want to be confident in my God that he will bestoy a blessing. We have a plan. He has a blessing. That should be enough. I pray that it will be for today. And we can start again tomorrow.

Please join me in praying for this new plan. Currently, we are scheduled to start shots on July 27 making the corresponding due date in May- that is perfect! I am praying this is God's plan.

My Psalm 126

God, I remember a time before-

you brought drought and then

great joy

when the blessing rained.


I am looking for that same

hope

the blessed assurance and

confidence that You will

rain with blessing.


For now- I live-a little

concerned about the timing-

unsure of what will come-

learning to be patient (again!)

Confident in You- sure and secure!

I have sown plenty of tears

and stand in wait

waiting to reap with joy!

LOVE that Surrounds

Today has been a rough day. It was one of those days I was in a funk. Things didn't go as I had planned. I was cleaning and re-organizing the spare bedroom. This meant going through older toys (baby items), out of season clothes, outgrown clothes and a few "found" new baby items. I have been struggling a little with the timing of the fertility treatment...plus adding extra hormones, makes this process difficult. God has been good to me, but there is still some struggle in the mix. Yesterday, I was excited to know the time table set up with the RE, today I am not enjoying it so much. I digress. So, I was doing okay. The plan for Michael to come home early was busted, the purchases we had planned to make were put on hold until the check could clear the bank-so I was somewhat frustrated, but okay. Then I found "the shirt." Sometimes, especially after experiencing loss, there are things that sock-you-in-the-face and take your breath away-reminding you of the pain. Well, the shirt is that in the face reminder of our miscarriage. I had purchased a t-shirt that said "World's greatest Sister!" for Evy to wear as we prepared for the baby. I had purchased it just a few days prior to the death of our baby. I have tucked this shirt away several times. I can't bring myself to give it away (yet!) and she won't be able to ever wear it (too small now). So, the physical pain arose making the day almost unbearable. Plus, frustration mounting from the uncompromising day, I was in the climb back into bed moods.

I was also frustrated because Bible Study this morning had been so good, so I knew that I was under some kind of attack, but felt like I was drowning, much like Jonah-seaweed entangling my head, the deep surrounding me...I was sinking and sinking fast. I needed a good cry, but couldn't bring myself to experience the defeat, so I kept up the strong face. A great friend called to give me an update...and she didn't buy the strong face. She could tell something was wrong. Her encouraging words were exactly what I needed. I spent the evening recovering. I happy to say the physical pain has lifted and I will continue to walk in victory.

I came home after some much needed family time and worked some more on my Stepping Up Study. Learning that God encamps around us. He surrounds us like a wall of fire. He is surrounding me like a ring of fire.

I have asked myself a thousand times:If God surrounds us (and is for us)like a mighty mountain, then why have I suffered so much harm? Psalm 34:17-19 tells me that God hears and delivers, He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those with a crushed spirit. God never promised to remove me from the human experience. Even when I encounter the tough stuff, I know that God never gives more than we can handle and great blessing usually follow. If he delivers me from every trial- I will never experience the beauty from ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning or peace from despair.

Right now, it feels a lot like "living between the times" Psalm 126 describes a time of joy-laughing, singing, blessings and good fortune-God was wonderful and they were a happy people. Then they say- And now, God, do it again- v. 4. These people were remembering a good time-living in the now-and another good time hoped for! I am there in the now...remember the miracle of our first child, hoping for another...but in the mean time-scared out of mind that it isn't going to work, that I will need to deplete the hormones from the body, that we expedience sadness again and that the timing won't be in place soon! But, Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!

So until the future arrives, I will live in the ring of love that surrounds me. The fire protects me from the roaring lion that seeks to steal, kill and destroy!

I have spent the majority of the day cleaning out the spare bedroom, preparing for our new bedroom suite to arrive. There is a lot of prepartion in remodeling/re-doing a room in your home. I guess that is why I put it off so. We have had these ideas to paint/re-paint several of our rooms, but it has gotten laid to the waste side, covered up with easier tasks to complete. I am not one for finishing projects...if you don't believe me, check out my wallpapered-or should I say unwallpapered- hall. It is going on 3 years of looking like that-maybe 4. I can't remember if I started that project before evy was born or the summer after...all I know is that it didn't go off without a hitch and it got put to the back burner.

But these projects will* get completed this summer-
Master bath redone
New paint in most rooms
Order new furniture for bedroom
New bunk bed for Evy
Create a working guest bedroom
New paint on garage/over-hangs and windows(?)
Something with the hall and my yellow bathroom...
And classroom painted!

It sure seems like a lot to take on in less than 6 weeks-really only 4 because I will be gone for 2 of them. But, I would like to stop being the one who puts things off...in the meantime, I best get back to my project...it still isn't complete.

What a difference a day makes...

That has probably been a title of a post already, but it is oh so true. I dealt with Evy's illness all day Tuesday, until I resorted to putting her in pull-ups~ since I had already washed 10 pairs of underwear-and my pants...and then she stopped! The whole thing took about 12 hours to get through her little system. Now I am much more concerned that it was a pool water upsetting her tummy, but alas it is finished. This was the morning before the sickness began


She was feel so much better by Tuesday evening that she wanted to go to the park...I said "no!" making me the bad guy, but decided we would go Wednesday morning. She wanted to go to the "red" park-which is actually a school- we walked almost to the park and I remembered that they were having summer school, so we turned around and went to the park down the street. We hadn't had any breakfast, so we packed a lunch and had a picnic lunch.


Then we played at the park. I worked on my Bible study while she laid across me. It was priceless...a day never to trade.

Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe

I am a fan of dirty jobs. Discovery Channel exposes some of America's grosses jobs~those in which I never thought existed- and most of them I wish I didn't.

At the end of each show, Mike pleads with America to send them dirty jobs for them to participate in...well, I have a job!
Mom of a sick child!

The job of a mom is tough! I didn't really know how tough until I had applied for and got the job. Being a mom to a baby is a tough job-and sometimes- well most times...dirty. You have all the diaper changing, spit up, and all the gross bodily fluids that come from babies. I never really thought it was too gross...I mean a baby doesn't really know any better and they are so small and cute, it makes up for it, right?

Then real life hits...you have all the "grown-up" duties: cleaning the kitchen/cooking the lunch and dinner/mowing the yard/emptying the garbage/doing grocery shopping/teaching school/paying bills/pumping gas/reading my Bible/blogging! As a mom, I have added: wiping up spills/putting on band aids/doing the hair/finding a dress to wear everyday/cleaning up her room/making macaroni and cheese/swimming/going to the park...and then she gets sick!

Personally, I think taking care of a sick (almost) 4 year old- is a little dirtier/grosser than a sweet little infant. Any sick child is a dirty job. PERIOD! The throwing up/changing sheets/diarrhea in the panties/lots of laundry/added to what I already do makes for a tired mama (and papa!).

Last night, out sweet one came into our room-probably about 2-3a.m. She eventually said her tummy hurt and threw up and messed in her pants. She was devastated, crying and very upset. We washed her precious sleeping dress and panties and she fell asleep with daddy. He eventually maneuvered back to bed, but just a few minutes later, we changed panties again...this happened several more times throughout the night. I thought she would sleep all morning, but she was up at 8:15! That didn't last too long...she is now asleep again. I am not sure what is wrong...sick kiddos worry me. It is a dirty job that I will do-until done- and then pray fervently that it doesn't happen again for a while.

But...next time, I might invite Mike Rowe to come experience the dirty job of a MOM!