A song in my heart....

I told Michael the other day that I wanted another copy of the 4Him Praise and Worship CD. I was addicted to it several years ago AND listened to it so much is is severely scratched and skips constantly-- not to inviting for praise or worships session. "GREAT- GRE- GREA- GREAT is they faithfulness....not working well!" So my all to wonderful, ever so pleasing, AWESOME husband of mind had another copy burned and sitting on the bar before work a couple days ago. I sure have enjoyed it!

Today I took a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure it would be negative, as the ever so unwanted "other" signs are taking form, but I thought, "what can it hurt." Well, for those of you who know my story... it can be very painful. I surely should own part of the testing companies with as much money I have thrown to the wind (or peed on and thrown away). Anyway, today's outcome was no great shocker- negative. I was a little taken back at 5:15 this morning because there were two lines. But this particular test has to have a + and a line... so it was still negative. BUT, the most WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS thing happened afterwards. I realized I was internally singing "Fairer, Lord Jesus". Isn't that great... a song...in my heart! This is a big deal for me because I am not a musical person. I sing in church, and in the car, and in my classroom, but I don't just sing when their is no musical backup. I don't remember melodies well, so I like the music to prompt me... but today (and really for several days) those 4Him praise tunes RING in my heart!!!

Time to say Goodbye...

So, the junk room is still invaded the living room. I did however find the energy (battling a small cold) today to go through Evy's closet. The new "office" closet will house my clothing, so I had to go through all the baby clothes and toys that were precariously tucked away. I spent a couple hours unloading boxes of baby clothes to decided weather to keep or sell/consign. I drastically reduced the amount we are going to keep and even pulled some of my favorites for my niece. I did however stumble across two things that made my heart a little sad. I had really forgotten about them... until I picked them off the shelf today. Last year (while I was still pregnant) we went for Mills-Henderson Zoo Day '07-- I picked up a bib for baby to commemorate the "first trip to the zoo" I had also purchased Evy a shirt that said "World's Greatest Sister" on it for her to wear during the 2nd/3rd trimester... that never happened. I remember tucking them away thinking... maybe next time!?! So, now it is time to say goodbye to my darling little baby clothes to make room in the closet. I really don't know why I held on to so many.... I guess I was thinking our next little one could use them, but really the odds of that are small. Cori is the opposite season of Evy so she didn't get much use either... I was really kind of proud of myself for not spiraling out of control today. I feel more and more healed everyday! Thanks and glory to God. As for the bib and sister shirt... someone will get great use out of them, someday!

For the Love of Jacob...

That was the title of the video lesson for today's Bible Study. I walked into an empty room, tables arranged differently, but the first thing that jumped out at me was 4 (count them, 1, 2, 3, 4) boxes of Kleenex. So... we studied about Jacob preparing to meet Esau and how he was scared to death, shaking in his boots (or sandals, rather)! They hadn't met up since he deceived Isaac and stole the blessing. He had fled his home and family to escape Esau "comforting himself with thoughts of murder!" So... we make it about half way through the lesson talking about wronging someone and having the fear to face them- no big deal for me... I thought, "what in the world do we need all this Kleenex for?"

Then... "IT" came. Jacob's face-to-face encounter with the Lord. He sent his family away and sat alone waiting to meet Esau. A man came along and they wrestled all night. We touched on having an Honest Appraisal of the situation- figuring out who we are and what game we are/or aren't playing. Being able to deal when it is just "you and the Lord"
Then we talked about "An Honest fight" Do I fight dirty- my answer yes. I was learning this week that I need to stop trying to "win" the argument by saying hurtful things first (or period) It isn't okay. So... I was pretty sure that was my lesson for the day. But, oh, no!!! The LORD had something else in mind.

In Jacob's wrestling with the Angel of the Lord, he could not overpower him~ meaning he could not make him quit. He had to hurt his hip to make him stop. Then Jacob begged for the blessing.

God wants to bless us, sometimes he has to injure us to let him! BOOM! In Beth's words, God says, "you can bend your knees, or I can break your legs" That was it. My questions to "why" did the last year happen~2 miscarriages, sickness/surgeries, sadness, loss, all the stresses~ were answered in those 14 words. Sometimes God has to injure us to let him bless us! Boy, was I injured. I wrestled and wrestled... then I let go. I was angry that I didn't win, but it isn't for me to win. God is FOR US, so who can be against us. In my self-destructive cycle I was feeling that opposition from God. He was bowed behind me pushing me, wrestling me, egging me on. BUT, He was still working. He wanted me to put up an Honest fight... and wait for his blessing. For a while I let go, I gave up, I didn't hold on for the blessing. In every struggle, DO NOT let go until the blessing comes. When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined.

I will be gloriously redefined!!!

Back in the Groove!

So Fall Break was officially over at 7:45a.m. today when I had to report to school. It was an interesting day. Not the best-- not the worst. I am going to be teaching SAIP on Thursday, so I am missing parent-teacher conference night. To make up for it, I am offering conferences for two evenings. I was at school until 6p.m. night. So... now I am officially back in the groove.

This... also applies to my exercise routine. I am **really** trying to workout more. I want to learn to run... it burns more calories than walking and seems to be great stress relief. It also is a necessity to achieve my goal of completing a triathalon. I went to FP yesterday and did 25 minutes of cardio (about 6 min. of jogging- the rest walking) and then lifted weights on arms. I really considered hiring a trainer again to kick my butt... but can't justify the extra $88 a month (just for once a week) and would really need to spend more. Maybe I should pray for that extra money to come in... cause otherwise we just don't have it.

So... my online "friend" just completed a marathon relay and found some great gear. She is giving away a GREAT sports bra- it has a pocket to old your ipod, phone, keys, extra. A great thing when you are biking or running. So...

I entered the Gracie Gear Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

I also started another blog... so I can post my food totals and exercise. I am definately needing some accountablity if nothing other than writing and posting daily. You can check it out if interested. www.amysextradegree.blogspot.com

Happy Monday!

Home Improvments

We made a few home improvments this weekend. Evy is "out growing" her bedroom. Frankly, I am tired of toys strung all over the den and living room~ and the steps that ensure during 'clean-up time'. She is easily distracted like her mother. So we are moving her into the bigger spare bedroom. Everyone has a junk drawer in their house...mine is more of a junk room. Christmas decorations, winter clothes, suitcases, boxes of stuff that really hasn't been used in several years, computer equipment, and all sorts of "stuff"! So I emptied out the room, like Trading Spaces. We painted the room~ Evy even helped. It is now "almost" finished. We loaded her furniture and she needed me to sleep with her. Michael was going to wake me up, but I guess I was too tired. I woke up at 5:00AM still in her bed. She was upside down.

All of these "projects" got me to thinking about the "home improvments" that Jesus is making in my heart. Unfortuately, his house in my heart was dark and dirty for a long time. We are cleaning it together. Cleaning is not my favorite thing to do. I am more of a "hide it in a drawer" quick cleaner to make it presentable vs. scrubbed clean. This is not the type of cleaning I need to do in my life/heart. It is easier to live the life oblivious to the surroundings, hiding the bad stuff away. I am working on it!

So... off to the gym. I really enjoy my time working out and while Evy is napping, I am going to sneak away!

A great week!

This has really been a great week. My only complaint is that I haven't been able to work out because I twisted/sprained my foot last week. It happened Thursday and just got worse and worse until I quit baring weight on it... then it was better. So I am going to start exercising this week again. It also rained solid for three days-- so inside recess Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thankfully the sun came out yesterday. And...no kids at school. I worked as a "professional day" on RTI graphs for the teachers. For some reason my focus was off and I didn't get them all accomplished. I still have lots of work before going back to school. Last night we came to Tulsa to watch my cousin in the Collinsville Cadet band.

I kind of forgot what small town America was like. The kids were running around without parent...smoking was allowed inside the gate but not in the stands (I guess) and cheap concession stand food. We came home after 10, grabbed late night food and wrote some Humanities definitions. I am helping Brooke with her assignment. I think it was after midnight before I fell asleep. This morning... I woke at 6:45- which sadly is sleeping in (about an hour) for my body. I made myself lay there until about 7:20, but couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go do some sort of exercise, but didn't bring the right clothes or shoes. I was packing light.

Michael and I reached another milestone yesterday. Oct. 16 was the day I found out I was pregnant with Autumn. It was kind of a bitter sweet day. I was a little uptight which means I picked a couple fights--I wanted to be mad at something. But, really over the last few weeks, I have experinced much healing. Odd thing: I probably ovulated yesterday, so we might end up pregnant again in October. We'll see if it in God's timing.

I am so glad that Michael got to come with us. Brooke has lived in this apartment for a LONG time and he still hasn't seen it. Although, he could have done without the football game, he is enjoying that he spontanously did something. Today we will travel to Stillwater to meet up with Jessica, Justin and Cori and head out to the pumpkin patch. Evy just loves her cousin Cori, so the girls should have some fun. Then it is home again... for the rest of the weekend. Our home group was planning a camping trip (which I was super excited for) but with all the rain, plans have changed, so I am just waiting to hear what is in the works.

Okay... so my next goal is to learn to run. Last night I trailed Brooke running about 4 blocks with Evy back to Grandma's house. I had to slow to walk for a couple feet a few times, but Evy kept running and I had to keep up. I REALLY want to learn to run... I felt so good after we stopped. I was inspired by the Biggest Loser show and Brady running up the mountian. If those people can do it-- I can do it, too! I just need motivation and something to chase!

Thanks you Lord!

What a great day... attributed to one student being gone, but nonetheless. Thank you Lord for answered prayers.

Dear Lord,

So, it's Monday again. Thank you that I had two days of rest. Truthfully, they were short and I didn't accomplish what I wanted but it was nice to hang out with Grandma and Mom and Dad. So since it is Monday, I am a little scared to go to work. I don't know what today will hold and I don't feel like getting beat down again by naughty kids. God, I know you have the power to help in this situation... please intervene. Thursday was an awesome day last week. Can't they be more like that?!?! I have tried lots of different interventions and the only one that works is prayers. So I am asking that you take control of these kids and help give them some self-control. The counselor will be in today, please let her message help with the situations in the classroom. I pray that medication is working properly.... I pray that my foot will be healing. It seems to be getting worse each time I walk on it. I don't really have the luxury of sitting all day. I pray that these next 3 days are short, productive and problem free. All of this is in the mighty name of your ONLY Son, Christ Jesus!!!

A Great Day!!

So... thanks for the prayers... Today was an awesome day. I appreciate the prayers. It seems like the small changes made were effective. But, I have to say that one of the problem students was gone. So... maybe tomorrow will be the same. We got a TON of goals acheived today. I also was about to eat my lunch (mostly) without interruption AND didn't feel like quitting today.

We also went to dinner with Michael's dad, but Evy threw up at the restuarant. Thankfully, we made it to the bathroom first! I think she has a fever, but can't really get an accurate temperature. I am hoping she is going to be better now.

I am so falling in love with the Lord again. I am just loving the fact that EVERYTHING I am reading and learning is colliding together. For example- last Sunday I learned about forgiveness in Genesis with Joesph. Genesis is the scriptures in my Patriarchs Bible study. Then later I was listening to Lifechurch.tv and the Paster preached on the scriptures in Genesis 12 that started the study. Last night, the Patriarchs study talked about Islam and how to make changes in your life to effect your decendents- which lines up with my sisters scripture reading/blog from last night. Then working out today, I was listening to Beth Moore on Life Today (downloaded to my ipod) she referenced Joesph and his brothers. It was FULL circle.

Prayer Request...

For those of you who read my blog regularly have probably figured out that this year is very tough!!! So, please pray that our days begin to get better. I am really struggling to acheive our goals and objectives. They would rather be running around fighting each other. Yesterday wasn't by far the worst, but it had it's own challenges. (major puking incident)... So please pray that the kids would be able to use some self-control and that I would be less irritable. I just want them to learn!

Forgiveness....

Today I went to Sunday School for the first time in probably a year. I haven't been too impressed with the choices offered and made excuses not to participate. I have been intrigued by the class offered based off Phillip Yancey's book "What's so Amazing about Grace?" So I decided to give it a shot. The lesson was on forgiveness...the questions raised included "It is ever not appropriate to forgive?" They shared some very unique stories about forgiveness that seems impossible. The Russian citizens forgiving (showing acts of kindness to ) the enlisted German Nazi soldiers at the end of the war when they were being paraded to the train to be shipped back to their country after killing 40 million people. Another women forgave the 2 men who kidnapped her and her boyfriend at the age of 16 and repeated raped her over the course of 36 hours of terror. Now... I haven't encountered such a need to forgive. But....

These stories brought up some interesting questions in my mind. I was dying to ask... but being new to the class and the knowing the breath and depth would be too much for our 10-15 minute discussion time I zipped my lips. First question... does forgiveness mean it doesn't get brought up again? If I forgive Michael (or anyone else) of some wrong doing, am I allowed to reference it in future discussions? What happens if you are deeply hurt by nature/God? How does forgiveness fit into the category of being angry at God for allowing bad things to happen? This has been an issue of mine over the last months. We all know that the miscarriage last year through me for a loop. I am a forever changed person. I think changed in a bad way... but I have struggled with understanding how God could let that terrible thing happen. I know there is some reason for it, but I have struggled with the hurt associated with that loss. If it had come from a person, I would have to forgive and move on... but my mere mortal self- can't even fathom that I would need to forgive God!! I mean, he sent his ONLY son to live on earth with us sinners, then be betrayed, beaten and crucified... all to save and forgive me. What right do I have to forgive God for taking my baby away? See- it is too deep!! I wanted to ask so badly... but I couldn't even get it into words. Even now, it sounds selfish and unimaginable. But, in my defense, that event changed to whole course of my existance. It left a huge hole in my life and the deepest scar on my heart. I am not really sure I can repair the damage the damage can be repaired. It is hard for me to fatham that all the pain, anger, and emotional baggage is part of God's plan? So... is it possible to forgive God for letting bad things happen.

On a lighter note.... I discovered Wednesday that I never allowed myself to give the characters in the Bible a personal side. They haven't been "real" people to me. I haven't ever been able to fully develop the story- their character attributes are spread so far out, it is hard to really understand who you are reading about when you read isolated chapters in study... So in reading Genesis, I decided that my goal would be to give the people a more emotional/personal side. I really began this in Gen 21 when Abraham lies a second time about Sarah's relationship and then again when Sarah died. In the lesson today (for Sunday School) we read about Joesph being sold into slavery from his brothers. I was able to picture that scene (the kicking and screaming) as they brought him up from the pit and then gave him over to the Ishmealites. I am sure it wasn't a quiet scene. Can you picture him on the ride to Eygpt plotting how to escape? Was he running sceneros in his mind trying to figure a secret way to escape the slavery? It must have been a sight to see.