Happy New Year!!

The year 2007 was filled with lots of highs and lows. Some of the highlights:

Evy turned 2! and became a little person and not so much a baby. God continues to provide protection and lessons to be learned from this little one. Her pony party is still a large memory in her head. She is beginning to sing songs- and performed in the Christmas program this year. I still am amazed at what I learn from her each day.

I completed my National Board Certification Application and mailed by the dealine- then the tornado sirens went off. In Nov. I found out that I passed and so now I am a Nationally Certified Teacher- A major blessing from God as 75% of applicants don't pass. In less than a month I will be rewarded monitarily.

Michael bought a new business-- which has some good and bad points- However, God always provides in our times of need!!

In April, we completed the purchase of our home. We paid off our cars and took on a mortage. I almost forgot about this part because we had been living in the house for over 8 years. But this is such a big step.

Cori was born on Feb. 2 ~~what a true blessing. God sure was protecting our family at this time with the slight complications with Mom and baby.

My job is complicated this year- 27 students with low self-esteem and behavior issues. I will potentially have an opportunity to move into another role of teaching. I am also the only NBCT in my building and had my name displayed on the markee. God is opening doors!

In trying to improve myself as a teacher, I began my Master's Degree. I took 6 hours in the fall, however I ended up dropping because of my surgery. I am not sure that I will continue, but I definately realize how hard it is for parents to work, raise a family, keep all the order of the house, and go to school. I defiantely said a prayer for single working mothers!

Mike has had major health issues this year. After 50+ hospital admissions doctors are starting to figure out the problems. This year he has had major heart surgery and found the source of the bleeding. God is continuing to provide healing and wisdom during these times.

Michael had to have emergency retina surgery in the beginning of Oct due to a detached retina. Even without health insurance God has provided resources and healing to his eye. Although he is still recovering- he didn't loose his eyesight. And now he has experienced surgery- and I have been on the other side of the doors waiting-definately a not fun experience.

Several weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant- A true blessing as I have previously unable to concieve without medical intervention. I was so excited. If you read my previous post in Nov. you learned that the pregnancy was lost and I had to have surgery. Thankfully, the Lord new before hand that surgery would be the safest alternative and gave me such peace. I miss being pregnant and wish that the outcome would have been different. But, the Lord's plan is perfect and I am believing we will still have a 2008 baby!

During these struggles, during the high and low points, I should have run to God. However, I didn't always do that. I thought that it wouldn't help, but during the last month, I have definately learned that the Lord has our life mapped out, he has gone before use. People always tell me that God won't give you more than you can handle. A friend added, "with him". I definately couldn't have walked through the last months without him. I am relearning how to pray fervently and trust whole-heartedly with childlike faith.

My prayer for the new year is that God will continue to bless my family and those around me. I am not asking for the year to be smooth sailing because I know that in each of the stuggles I have grown. I am just hoping that there are alot less of the major struggles that we faced in 2007. Psalm 40 1-3 is my prayer: I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of prace to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their turst in the Lord.

What do I want?

I feel like the worst mother tonight. Since my shoulder is bothering me and I can't pick up DD, my mom offered to watch her today. So I let her spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa. We took them out to dinner as a repayment, but when we got home, Evy wanted her "ba"- her pacifer. I know, I know... she is past two and we should have made her give it up a long time ago... she was just so attached. Anway... we couldn't find it because she didn't leave it in her bed. So I didn't look for it, I am just taking it away- cold turkey. She has cried a few times, but she is in bed and taking it like a trooper. I just feel bad that because I am lazy/injured is the reason I am not giving in. She started crying when something in her room fell off and scared her and I almost gave in...(I know where some are) but after a quick hug she seemed fine. I guess the pacifer is the last of her "baby" things... I wasn't eager to take it away because I am not sure I want her to grow up. I know it is kind of silly, but with the new baby not coming as planned... I am just not so sure I want her to be a big girl anymore. I was pushing the potty training because I wanted her to be out of diapers when the baby arrived in June. Now that isn't going to happen, I don't really care if she is potty trained either. She is doing well in that area. In fact, if she would just learn to go #2, we would be good. I am afraid to put her in underware because of the messes, but that is the next step. Today... we lose the ba, tomorrow- underware. So I guess I should scan the den and find the purple ba-- so we can be done with them- once and for all!

How in the world...

...did I get a dislocated rib?

After several days of severe pain, I went to the minor emergency clinic and the doctor finally discovered the reasoning behind my pain. A dislocated 5th rib. It must be sticking into the muscles surrounding the ribcage causing terrible pain. He tried to adjust me to put it into place and it wouldn't budge. He gave me a script for muscle relaxors that I am to take all weekend and then he will try again on Monday. I am a little worried about what the follow-up will entail, but hopefully it will be fixed once and for all. I am guessing the liagements are stretched so I will have about a 6-8 week recovery period once it is into place.

So today I am sitting in my leather chair, feet propped with hot chocolate and a laptop. I also will be reading my book. Evy is with Lisa because it is hard for me to care for her in such pain. I can't pick her up to change her clothes-- so I thought it would be safer for me to be home and her with a more competent (not on pain meds and muscle relaxors) caregiver today. In the shower, my shoulder moved and the pain eased up, so maybe it went back into it's spot. However, I still have major muscle pain from the injury. I think I remember how it happened. I was trying to keep Evy safe in the Wal-mart parking lot and walked into the mirror of an SUV. It was parked in one of the horizontial handicapped spaces. I was paying attention to Evy and when I hit the mirror it moved. Right on the shoulder- kind of like a football hit, I guess.

So other than that life is good. I am still waiting for a normal cycle to come after the procedure. It has been 1 month today... so there is still time. My cycles before my pregancy were about 34 days, so we are still waiting. I will give it another 2 weeks and then go get the drug to make me have a period. I am looking forward to ttc again. It is still pretty hard to hear about people getting pregnant. I know that all happens for a reason, but I am ready to move on an add to our family. I am still hoping for a 2008 baby!

A pit-dweller?

So in trying to make sense of all the crazy things that have been happening, I picked up a book by Beth Moore. In reflecting through the chapters, I came across this: Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a furture and a hope." This means God is thinking about us continually. He thinks in terms of what can be used toward good, toward His plan for us and toward the future. So his intentions are pure, right? Sometimes it doesn't feel like that. But thinking about Joseph- the one who was thrown into a pit by his brothers-- there was a plan. God thought out in advance. Considered it, weighted it and checked it against the plumb line of he plan. He looked at the good it could ultimately accomplish, the lives that could be helped and even saved. Then and only then does God let such harm come to his child. Whatever the incident that pushes us into the pit, it must possess glorious purpose, or it would have been disarmed. If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffereing to you because he has faith in you.
I haven't really felt peace in my life for a long time and I have definately felt picked on, but I am sure in this that God is pulling me back to him. I need to step under his peace and begin living under his covering and following ALL his directions. God thinks thoughts of peace and wants us to give him our anixeties to to the sar shalom. Ephesians 2:13-14 sums it up! He is waiting for us to come near and let him do the work.
God is good... all of the time... all of the time... God is good!

Christmas 2007

We had a wonderful Christmas full of family, fun and surprises. Evy was into ponies this year and every present she opened, she asked if it was a pony. Everyone was really happy about giving and we had a great weekend with my sisters. I was so excited when Cori liked her catapiller- she kissed it! I also loved the painting my dad made me and my Vera Bradely lunch box. Michael was actually surprised with his Transformer robot. Christmas dinner was good. We unfortuately celebrated Christmas on the two hardest days. On the 22nd, I cooked a ham dinner, but couldn't eat because I kept thinking about Thanksgiving and how I had started bleeding a month ago after cooking a big dinner. Then Christmas day, I kind of had a mini-meltdown thinking about going to the hospital. Evy wasn't feeling well, so we could have backed out of dinner with his Grandma, but we didn't! We ate and then opened presents and came home to nap. My shoulder is bothering me again, so I took some meds and watched "Tin Man" on TIVO. Pretty good show. Evy sounds better today but I am still thinking she may have RSV. Santa made a good impression, so next year will be even more fun!

Everlasting Father

What a great day! After a rough night- Evy fell off the bed at my sisters and got stuck between the wall and bed- I woke up with the crashing into the wall before the blood curdling scream. I got her calm and she seems to be fine. She woke up and said her hand hurt, but I am sure it was just asleep- nothing more said today.
We all went to church to a WONDERFUL sermon about God being the "Everlasting Father" and what that meant. Craig Rochelle, asked Scott from Arizonia to preach this week. He talked about the dangers with looking at the Heavenly Father through the lens of the earthly father. He talked about a time when his daughter had a bike wreck and came screaming to the house with blood coming from her knees and elbows. She was crying uncontrollably and she ran up to him and he held her tightly . Then he began to pray for her to calm and hurt less and whispered in her ear. He said her breathing began to calm and she begin to stop crying and he was holding her. He said that that is what our father is like- We take beating, after beating with the things that happen in life and when we are bloody and crying uncontrollably we can jump in the Everlasting Father's arms and he will whisper in our ear until we begin to feel peace- because he is always there. What a wonderful anology of what it is like. No one ever said life wouldn't be difficult, but thinking about the last weeks, I feel like I have been beaten and am bleeding. I am definately in need of that spiritually holding and whispers of peace. Our scars don't leave and the blood doesn't stop- but we can still feel peace.
Then we had a wonderful reception for my neices baby dedication and Jessica's birthday. Then we came home in just enough time to get ready for Evy's christmas program-- what a hoot. She was center stage of course and hamming it up. After each song she would say "let's to that again" and clap with the people. Then she would begin to bow- the only one bowing-- where do 2 year olds come up with this stuff? It was hilarous. I am thinking about uploading it to utube.com.

One week...

So a week ago this awful nightmare began. I am not sure how and why this all began, I just know the ending isn't pretty.

I went to my OB in August, hoping to get pregnant within the next 6 months- and was shocked when I concieved naturally in Sept. However, the last few weeks have been FULL of stress. My hubby had to have emergency retina surgery for a detached retina, father-in-law has been in and out of hospital while waiting to be put on the liver transplant list, husband just bought a new business, work issues, etc. You know life gets complicated sometimes. Also, I have been sick since I found out I was pregnant- sinus infections etc. So as excited as I was to get pregant on my own, the timing was tough.

So now my perfect little life I was building in my head, came crashing down on Sunday. I found out this weekend that my baby stopped developing. I should have been 11 weeks on 11/28. However, on Sunday 11-25, the baby only measured 6 weeks and 2 days with no heartbeat. My due date was 6-18. So I had to have a D&C on Wednesday.

I really thought this wouldn't matter. That I could just ignore it and would go away. However, I can't help thinking about the dead baby that was inside of me and how it is kind of unfair. While I want to ignore it and get back to life, I am not sure that is the best option. I have spent the last few days taking lots of showers-- I guess it is my way of trying to wash it all away, I keep hoping that one morning I will wake up and it will all be a dream. But it won't happen that way! So instead I will blog my feelings.