End of the Year

I tend to measure my years in the school calendar, so for me, it really doesn't feel like the "end of the year" just another calendar turning the page...except, I am getting a whole new calendar. The beginning of the year means I need to learn to write 2009 on the top of my checks and when writing IEPs and notes to parents (that usually takes until May) but otherwise...I am looking forward to May.

But, this Dec. 31 comes with a different feeling. A feeling to declutter and make progress in my "to do" list. Michael and I have spent the last year and half basically drowning in our daily life. I will not lie- it has been tough. I am not going to rehash everything because it is depressing list... but I will say that the water is receding and God's rainbow of Promise is starting to peek through the clouds. Now is the time to do life again. In some respects this is great. Life is fun! But, it also means some major re-examination of priorities: Spiritually, physical and financial.

I want to be a do-er, not a say-er. Take for example: our master bath. We have one of the ugliest bathrooms that needs to be redone. We have-strike that- have had for 2 years the sink and toilet, paint and decor...just no time or expertise to complete the project. We also have a hall the has torn off wallpaper and a junk room that needs some MAJOR help. We have talked about repainting our "wooden" den for years. These projects show me that I have been a say-er. I want to be a do-er. I have spent the last couple of days, purging unneeded junk from the laundry room, closets and desks. It is a great feeling. I am hoping that 2009 will be the year we spend re-evaluating our lives and following through.

Mosiac Monday... on Tuesday

Okay, so I am a little late posting to the Simple Shutter's Mosiac Monday but with the holiday and all :) Feel free to join...just click on the green and you will get more info!

Evy and I took a little adventure to Starbucks this morning. She wanted to ride in her stroller and I took advantage of the 'spring-like' weather. We walked up to Starbucks, where she ordered a "large coffee, please" *aka* white chocolate mocha cream frappachino! I had a salted carmel hot chocolate and we ate a yummy muffin and classic coffee cake. Then we walked to the park and played. I took pictures...with my great camera phone. It is definitely a blessing that we are within walking distance of our two favorite places. I got some odd looks on the corner of the busy street, but I was the "green" mom today who didn't drive her gas-guzzling SUV just a couple blocks. It was as Evy would say " a great day!"

Do you feel a little letdown after Christmas? Not disappointed, exactly, just a little... Lacking something needed, wanted or expected. I think maybe we ask too much of "Christmas." For one day a year, please let everything be perfect. Let our relatives be at peace; let our homes be filled with joy and free from discord; let our hearts be pure; let our lives be whatever they are not the rest of the year.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way. The relatives are just as they are the other days of the year. Our homes are filled with the anxiety of expectations. Our hearts are filled with the realization that a day on the calendar cannot make us pure. Our lives are left unchanged.

This season has been the saddest for me of any I can remember-- a little on a personal level but as well on a community level. I find myself surrounded by broken hearts, broken homes and broken lives. Abuse, suicide, drugs, infertility, broken vows, broken people. A world full of hurting people. I sat in church on Christmas eve, listening to the scriptures read, the songs sung and was smacked in the face by this thought..."what if that baby had never been born?" What would the picture of "that" life be? I have spent days meditating on this thought...what would it look like? I still am not sure I want to experience that picture...and yet I am intrigued.

For while one day on the calendar cannot magically transform our lives, the Baby in the manger can. Because of Him and His life, death and resurrection, we have the power to change. We have the same power available to us that raised Him from the dead. The same power that enabled Him to live a sinless life. The same power that healed the sick and and the lame and the blind and the deaf. The same power that conquered sin and death and the grave. He has given us everything we need for life and Godliness. We, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord. He has the power to transform us, to make us something new and different and better. To make us like Him.


I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Yesterday, I was reminded...

that I am turning 30 in March... so my sisters & brother-in-law discussed "the party" they would need to plan. I guess it got me thinking... what would I want to make this transition into the life that has always seemed so far away. I haven't had very many parties... but I thought about something extravagant. Something like this.... but black and pink or brown and pink.

I haven't had many fancy parties. I didn't have a fancy wedding reception or many parties as an an adult, so this would be the time to"do-it-up"! I will turn 30 and the next week, Michael and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage~quite an accomplishment in today's society. But... really it isn't too me. What would I wear? Where would it take place? It sure would be expensive And while I would remember it for a long time, it wouldn't be very intimate.

I would definitely enjoy something a bit more low key...crafty perhaps. Like making ragamuffin garland, which seems a little more like me... or scrapbooking and talking with friends.

Another fun idea would be skiing in Colorado with friend... but way more expensive than party with the extravagant table decorations.

But... I really think I would enjoy spending time at the coffee house, lounging around, talking with friends, listening to the guitar, singing praise and worship songs, eating appetizers and sharing life with friends. So...hopefully, my sister will read this post and get some ideas! What a great day to spend time with friends.

Merry and Bright...

I am trying to make this Christmas feel Merry and Bright, while I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed (and a little sad)...so much to do, so little time. While the house is now SpArKiLiNg clean and some presents are wrapped....I still have sewing and wrapping to finish before I will be ready. I think that we are opening presents with my family tomorrow...so I best get busy. As for the sad part, I don't know. I guess I am missing our friendly get-togethers with old friends. Michael and I missed our Home Group party last week due to the nasty cold, so we have been keeping each other company. I think people (at least me) really need that type of communion with others~ besides family. So...Iwill prepare for the family drama that usually insues when they arrive in town... my anticipation is too much as it begins tomorrow!

What does a messy house say about a person's personality?

It could say that the person has better things to do than clean house. Like wrap presents, finish gifts, shopping, dancing and painting with toddler, working out (eh, maybe)

I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that needs to get done before the family starts arriving this week! I am not the greatest housekeeper in the world, so I have lots to do. I remember the days when the Merry Maids came to visit every other week... oh, how I miss those days. But, with the economy and all... seems a bit much to spend on something I am perfectly capable of doing!! I just don't like doing. I am a closet messy person. People see a clean house but underneath and in the cabinets it is total clutter. I can't say that this is MY fault. My hubby contributes as well, but, truthfully, we never started with a clean slate. We walked into a house that was fully furnished with someone else's 50+ years of stuff. We have done a lot of packing, but it just never seems to be the clean state that I want to achieve. I look at those new house and wish that I had that (sometimes) Okay... time to grab some grub for energy and get busy mopping, dusting, scrubbing, and de-cluttering!

What a difference a day makes...

and some rest, orange juice, and antibiotics!

Oh man, I am feeling SO much better. I now have a hacking cough but I can breath out of my nose and swallow with much less pain and my eyes were much less matted this morning. I had trouble falling asleep last night due to the cough but once I was there it was good. I am calling the doctor for the good cough syrup today. Evy may be getting it, I think she was running a temp last night, so pray for her... Dr. 'Shelly' gave us med for Michael and I, but he will have to see her.

So today is the last day of school before the holidays! WAHOOOO! I am pretty excited. I organized a little gift exchange for the students, so it should be fun for them to open there presents. We are also watching "Horton Hears a Who" in our Pajama's this morning... while I will be writing Christmas cards and making some handmade presents for family!

Feeling terrible...

It has been a couple of months since I have felt this bad... the beginnings of strep throat seem to be the diagnosis from the doctor. I went home from doctor and made dinner and went to bed while Michael and Evy were gone. The doctor wanted me to stay home Thur. and Fri. from school, but with parties and such tomorrow, I am allowed to go back to school. Michael had a meeting with the men from church to pray over the business. He filled my prescription and got me a "get well kit" complete with chocolate, magazine and sucrets!

Not to complain, but this morning I woke up with the driest throat AND a swollen uvula. It has been touching the back of my throat all day- which causes a weird choking feeling and feels like I am swallowing razors. I just hung out and rested at home today. Tonight I had a few things to get done to be ready for school and Christmas presents for teachers at school. I am SO ready for bed now. Thankfully tomorrow is pajama and movie day.

Tomorrow is payday so therefore it is finish Christmas shopping day... I am hoping that I can get it all done quickly... we shall see!

Prayers for my Sister

My youngest sister just called and said that the annual gyno visit revealed some large pre-cancerous cells. She is pretty freaked out, lives alone, away from a lot of family. These have apparently come up since her last pap a year ago. Please pray that whatever procedure they do will keep her cancer free, that she will experience peace while she waits to see the doctor. She won't get any new until 1-23-09!!! I am praying that she can forget about it for a while since she has about 6 weeks to wait. I would be a wreck!

Christmas Tour of Homes

After blogging for a while, I have been reading various women's blogs. I have found a wonderful site sponsoring a "Tour of Homes" via the Internet. Check out BooMama's site. Truly that is the ONLY way, I would make it on the Tour of Homes as it is nearly impossible for me to keep a clean enough house... So sit back, drink some coffee and enjoy a few of my Christmas decorations. And- be thankful you're not getting out in the -2 degree windchill to make it to my house, actually.

This the wreath we purchased this year at the Disney Store during our trip to Branson. I was not a huge fan of Mickey, but with a toddler WAY into princess and the hubby is a big fan so I am learning to love it. Secretly, it began happening after our last trip to Florida... and I can't wait to return!

This is the hubby's tree full of Star Trek ornaments in the living room. They light up and make sounds. I get a kick out of it when I turn them on because all of them talk at once. In the window is the snowflake lights and you can see the outside swag decorations. This is the tree you see through the front window. Since it sits on top of the TV it looks bigger than it is.

This is our Christmas tree in the den. It is as old as our marriage because Michael bought it the year before we were married. It usually has blue balls and gold musical ornaments with ribbons, but this year we had enough ornaments to leave off the themes. I love decorating the tree because I have ornaments from friends that give me warm and fuzzy feelings as I remember. I have one from Jodi N. when we they lived in Enid before her brain tumor and pregnancy! I have a ornament from Russia that Heather C. brought back during her trip. I have several that students have given me and they all mean so much.




These two ornaments are the ones I got to honor the baby that is in Heaven. We lost our little Autumn at 11 weeks last Thanksgiving. The first ball I bought as a gift for a friend who had gone through the same thing and one for myself. I had another angel marked 2007 that I picked up that could be engraved, but couldn't even say the words to the engraver. This year I chose the bottom angel that says "I am with you always" which gave me peace again this year. We didn't bury her, so in a small way this is a nice memorial for her memory since Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to be the hardest so far.



This is a nativity set that sits on the half wall by the laundry room. Two years ago, Michael mentioned he loved nativities and since he is so difficult to buy for, we got about 5 of them... including a Willow Tree set, which is out all year long with the other Willow Tree pieces. I display these all over the house instead of Santa's. They are so much more beautiful and meaningful.


Our stockings are usually hung by the chimney with care, but we recently rearranged the den so the fireplace is blocked by my rocking chair. I hung the stockings under the tree. Notice, no presents, they are in a pile in the study waiting to be wrapped. I think wrapping is my least favorite holiday chore.


I think by far this is my favorite Christmas decoration. It is a ceramic Christmas tree with little plastic light and bird shapes. It has a light inside and belonged to Michael's Grandma Evelyn. I haven't changed the light bulb and she has been gone for almost 20 years. I just love to have it out.




This is the outside of the house. While I love a good Griswold Christmas light spectacular, I don't like the getting on the roof, so we stick to the swag lights that I can put up with a step ladder or Michael can reach with a stretch. This year Evy is fascinated by lights so did a little more (and planned to do more, we just get so busy) We added the penguin because she loves the blow up things!

So on your way out, grab some hot chocolate and some orea truffles.

A great new day!

I can't even really believe that I haven't felt like saying much, lately... weird huh? I have been feeling a little in over my head while wondering what the next steps in God's plan are. You see it seems that I misread the plan...or thought my plan was His plan and expected my year end outcome to be different. I had it all pictured out in my head... we would be spending this "Baby's First Christmas" loving our new family member. It would be snowy and all the family would be stuck together enjoying old stories and memories and passing her around. Well, unfortunately it didn't work out like that, so then I was SURE we would be celebrating the joy of the pregnancy. I would add another "Mom to Be" ornament to the tree and find some cutesy "I'm a big sister" shirt for Evy to wear to while leading me out with a bow around the belly. Oh, how your mind can wander.

Then this last weekend, I anticipated the call from the adoption coordinator to set up an interview. So I checked my phone continually-even in the Noah show, where it was prohibited and noticed by the security people. I expected that they might want to talk to us and we would get the ball rolling, only to find the adoption papers returned to my house. "Not deliverable address" printed on the yellow tag. Weirder still is that it IS the correct address. I didn't transpose the number, it was just undeliverable. So here they sit on the computer desk waiting for some Divine intervention.

So, I am definitely feeling in over my head. Truthfully,I am sure it is because my quiet time has slipped. I haven't had much focus. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible time just picking up the Bible to read the stories. I have my Beth Moore journal and need to kick myself to get back in it...not too interested in the life of David right now. I am looking for something that I can't find...focus and attention. I keep looking for some kind of book talking about prayer and hearing God's voice. Any suggestions?... because My head and heart seem to be like spinning tires. I want to move forward, but feel stuck in the rut. So what is a girl to do? I am going to enjoy my morning coffee over the sweet word of Jesus...and make it a great new day!

Also... Today I also talked with an old friend on the phone. One of my high school buddies who is living back in Stillwater. She called information to get my number and called my in-laws. Thankfully, I got the message and we connected. She is pregnant due in March and is having a boy. While we talking and I was making dinner, Evy was listening. She chirped "Mom, if you want a boy, just ask Jesus!" Oh her child like faith is wonderful, so I will spend my days asking for a baby (notice, I didn't say boy)!

What a week!

It has been a total whirlwind of a week. We were in the process of getting ready for our trip this past weekend amongst a VERY tough week at school. (Which is to be expected after a 5 day stint with no school. ) Also, had OT 3 times in 4 days, plus Evy's ballet "watch-party"! The week was definately full. We left Friday @5AM to drive to Branson with my in-laws... we had a short, but great trip. We went to see Noah (highly recommended show) and loved every minute. Evy had sat/slept in the car for about 6+ hours for the drive, then at dinner when we arrived AND all through the 2+ hour show. I am amazed! I got some much needed shopping therapy at the outlet malls and LOTS of cute presents for Evy, an amazing deal on some new dishes (more to come) and time away from home! It was a little hard at times because of all the babies first Christmas stuff. We both were teary as we left the Carter's store, because of being bombared with cute little baby stuff and missing our little one during the season. It is amazing how much you plan in your head what your future days will look like. I remember counting forward to find out that our little one might be interested in tearing open the presents at 7 months during Christmas.

When we arrived home we found the adoption papers had been returned. I had transposed the numbers and it was an undeliverable address. I am still praying about what that means... YIKES! Also, maybe a little TMI- but I am late and not pregnant according to the tests I have taken... so we shall see. It isn't really a surprise, it just means I need to get back to the doctor. So today I will be making check up appointments at the OB's and eye doctor...can I squeeze it all in before the end of the year?

So...more updates to come, but got to get moving this morning!

Lighting the Candle of Hope

Today is the first Sunday of the Advent Season. I haven't really paid much attention to the meanings of the traditional ceremony. But we celebrate some deep rooted traditions concerning advent~as I learned with a little Internet research. I was inspired to learn about the candle colors, scriptures, songs, etc associated with this season. The word advent, from Latin, means "the coming." It is a time of spiritual reflection as well as cheer and anticipation.

So today we lit the candle of "hope" I kind of wandering into my own thoughts about what "hope" means in my life. The traditional meaning: hope for the coming King. We as many other congregations lifted our voices to sing "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel"

But for me, I am not ready for the coming King. While I would love to lay down this earthly body and join in the angelic choir singing praises to by Abba Father... I have this unsatisfied feeling that my work is not done. It is a weird stirring in my soul, God's work isn't done. I haven't completed my kaleo (calling)!!

It never ceases to amaze me why God could not have chosen "better" people to do His work in the world. Yet if God can use them, and reveal Himself through them in such marvelous ways, it means that He might be able to use me, inadequate, and unwise, and too often lacking that I am. I am just wondering what the rest of the season will hold and what God's kaleo will be.

Happy Birthday Blog!

Today is the 1st birthday of my blog...which means I survived and posted for a whole year! This time last year, I didn't think it was possible. I suffered much emotional pain which was even manifested physically. What a journey the Lord and I have been on.
Here are some of the lessons:
~The SAME God who parted the seas and performed miracle is the SAME God that works in my life today.
~Sometimes God must injure you in order to bless you! (Jacob in Genesis)
~Everything meant for evil will be used for God's good!
~ I can handle A LOT... I am a strong women.
~The journey of infertility is not one that I suffer alone. It is a lonely journey, but MANY women are feeling the same struggles. Including many in the Bible.
~I am one blessed women.
~I am learning to hear God's voice and learning to obey!

I have been making uberexcuses not to get myself to the gym. I truely love that me time and kicking the IPOD on and praising God or listening to a sermon. It is truely a great time~~once I get there. That is the problem...Making myself get in the car and drive there. I have this treadmill workout, I have been wanting to try since Nov. 18 but I have made excuses. They are good ones and have kept me away. But...now it is time to make it there. I will feel better for it! So I am off to the gym and then will spend the day with Evy and preparing for the Bedlam showdown!

***UPDATE!!!****
I went to the gym this morning and did that workout!I did alter it because a 3.5 gets into a jogging pace for me on the treadmill, so I started at a 2.5 instead of a 3- According to the stats it burned 262 calories! I also did some work on my arms- bicep curls, tricept extensions, lateral sqeezes and upper arm row- 30lbs for 15-12-10 reps!

Happy Thanksgiving

So today is a day set aside to give Thanks. I am thankful that I have a wonderful family and awesome husband, especially during trying times. This afternoon we enjoyed a delicious feast shared with my parents, sister, aunt, grandma, cousin, husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law. During dinner my sister-in-law played with Evy because neither one was hungry. We enjoyed all the traditional dishes...and pies! YUMMY :)

Before the hub-bub of the cooking, I was able to sneak away and spend some time with our Abba. It was a great time of giving thanks and learning about Saul. I also got some time to read a blog entry from Angie about being thankful. She referenced her brother's blog. I was moved by this story and spent my day thinking about the scriptures concerning thankfulness. Ephesians 5:20 says, "giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (ESV)
1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (ESV)

Gregg's blog challenged me to determine if I was thankful for everything. It seems hard to be thankful for the miscarriage, or the illness of FIL, the loss of babies for others, the economy issues, etc. When bad things happen, can we be thankful for them?

Now I can truly say I am thankful "for" the loss of Autumn. I would not be the women that I am NOW without that loss. Does that mean I don't grieve it?- heck no- does it mean that I would change it and still be that old sinful women and have my baby? I don't know- but in honesty maybe. Part of me wants to say YES (and definitely in Nov07- August08) I would want to have and hold Autumn and live "in the OK"~ with mediocre Christan faith and superficial happiness. Part of me says NO because of the lessons I have learned through this journey that remarkably strengthened my faith and love for the LORD. Had I held her and looked at her great beauty- the answer would have been harder. I am pretty sure we can all say that. I know that it seems odd to say that I am thankful for the most sorrowful event in my life, but it strengthened my faith and for that I am thankful.
Romans 8:28 says "And we KNOW that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose" If we put these verses together it may help us to focus on how we can be grateful for everything...because we know that this is HIS purpose...that He is in control of every detail...and that through this we are ultimately becoming more like Christ.

It is....

It is still 4 days until Thanksgiving but it seems the focus has already turned to Christmas. I recall Christmas music began at major stores on the day after Halloween,now people are putting up Christmas lights. So, in all fairness Michael and I did some decorating this weekend as well. First we spent Saturday at his parents putting up their tree. They haven't had a tree for a couple of years so we wanted to make sure it happened this year. Tonight we drug out the boxes and put up the tree. We also did some outdoor lights and even added a blow up penguin. It isn't finished and I am also a bad judge of the amount of lights we needed, but it is a start. I had fun putting up the ornaments and remember who gave them to me. We added another angel for Autumn AND some of Michael's childhood ornaments. Evy even has a little tree in her room, but of course in Evy fashion her first words were "It isn't bigger enough!"

Prayers for this week

Dear Friends,

In a week, my blog will be 1 year old! This is a great blessing, but, it also marks to one year anniversary of the greatest sorrow- losing Baby Autumn. I became aware on Nov. 22 (Thanksgiving last year) that there was a chance I could be loosing the baby, on Nov. 25 it was confirmed by ultrasound at ER, and then surgery on Nov. 28th. So, for those of you who pray, keep me on your list week. I really don't want to relaspe into the bitterness, anger and depression that pushed me into a pit! I am on my knees, but can already tell I am going to need an army behind me!

My deepest thanks,

Amy

Thank You, Neighbor!

Not that they read my blog, but I want to give out a shout of thanks to my neighbor.
He has ALREADY put up his Christmas lights and my little one is fascinated by them. They take her breath away! So, she believes our house needs to be just as pretty. I guarantee it won't because this momma isn't getting on the roof. We did however, go and by some additional lights to create a more "beautiful" house for Christmas! oh, and a blow up penguin. Thinking back it isn't money we needed to (or should of) spent, but I find myself continually trying to make her happy. For this, she is greatly spoiled!

I imagine this is similar to the Holy Trinity. God sent his son to die so that we could live (and be happy)! He sends his Spirit and angels to protect and walk with us though each day so we are not alone (happy)! Each day he lives with us, answering prayers, making himself known, displaying beautiful creations all around in order to make us happy. Are we? Do we look at God's creations and his workings with a thankful heart or a yearning heart for more that really doesn't matter. I think (at least for me) a little of both.

My little one is always wanting MORE. I think it is built into our flesh. The desire for more of what we can't have. I probably have feed that desire in her because I want her to be happy and not feel that yearning. I know that I can get caught up in the secular things to make me happy and content. New IPOD, latest purse design, new shoes, brand names, fancy dinners, cars, appearances, etc. These things AREN'T important, yet they sometimes top my list of things to do/get. (stupid huh?) I have paid for things that I didn't need instead of giving extra back to God. I am finding that God has called us to do so much more for others than for ourselves~in time and money. I am challenged and changing, but finding that continual struggle between flesh and spirit. I just hope that God smiles more than he cries because I am learning not to be stupid.

Lord, I confess to you that I'm not as good as I ought to be, but I thank you that I'm a bit better than I used to be.

"She's very ambitious."

Is that a compliment or a criticism?

Do I want to be known as ambitious?

Would I prefer to be known as someone who has no ambition?

We know that it's not like Christ to climb over people, to politick for influence, or be driven blindly for wealth, position, or fame. But it's also unChristian to be slothful, dispassionate about the quality of your work, or without motivation.

Hmmm. Ambitious: to be or not to be?

I have lived the last year with the Pretty Women mentality: "flying by the seat of my pants: moment to moment." and it seems to be a mess. Now I want some direction, some ambition to set my steps in order. So, in light of the fact that I have completed (hopefully) the most difficult year ever, I am setting some goals for the next year. I know it is a bit early to set some "New Year's Resolutions" so we call this an Individualized Goal Plan! Really I want to do alot of [those] things... I am choosing just a few to focus on.

1. I want to hear God's voice and live under His Will. I will continue to spend time daily with The Father, restoring my relationship and becoming a student of the Bible.

2. I want to create a better body temple. I will make healthier choices for my body, eating and exercising. I want to be able to run and do pull-ups and push-ups. I want to complete a triathalon. I want to learn how to eat better and eventually be have to not take the meds for PCOS.

3. I want to finish what I start. I read the list of great goals and want to do A LOT of them, but the main thing is to finish what I start. Like lots of good moms, I have lists of things to do and drawers full of projects begun but never finished. I want to be known as a finisher.

Okay...so if I have learned anything...setting goals is a good thing. It helps maintain focus and work toward something. And...like every good IEP- I have a year to achieve them.

Thanksgiving time...

Thanksgiving is approaching...I can tell it is getting closer as the stores stock up on traditional meal ingredients and the Christmas decor is beginning to go up around town. It seems the days of November are flying by the like the leaves of the trees. November is such of month of turmoil for me. While it was one of my most favorite months, last Thanksgiving and the days that follow are a blur. We began to experience sorrow, "true sorrow" for the first time in my life. I won't recount the whole story for you, but I knew on Thanksgiving evening that our little one was gone. I spent weekend days "resting" hoping about all hopes I was wrong. But to no avail, a week later- it was finished. As I approach November 22, I am glad that I don't have to relive those moments again but Oh, so Thankful that I can celebrate this day of thankfulness with friends and family on Nov. 26- in the middle of the two days of sorry/ Today I am learning to focus on what is in the now and in the future vs. in the past. So, I am looking forward to the family that will come to my house, for the cards that will be played, for the meals that will be served, for the girls to play together, for the pies we will eat, for the games that will be watched, for OSU to beat OU and for the new memories to overshadow the sorrow!

Prayer without Ceasing!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Pray Continually? The other day I was driving home alone talking to Evy and Michael right before bed. They were reading stories to me over the phone and then...no phone reception. I shortly received a message that she was going to play a game and I could call back 10 min. later. I started praying and 30 minutes later I got a phone call. While praying, I was thinking about the "pray continually" command in Thessalonians. How can I do that? I get caught up in the decisions of my day and before I know it-- it is over! Then I thought about my phone. Throughout the day, I receive messages from people or email. That little buzz of the phone makes me want to know what is coming through...so why not use my phone as a reminder to pray. While driving on the dark road, there was no way to find out if this "service" existed. I thought of a way to use twitter (www.twitter.com) to send prayer messages to myself and others throughout the day. This would also let several of "us" to form that cord of "three of more." I envision this as a short little prayer (possibly scripture prayers) that can be uttered in a quick moment-because that is all I have during my teaching day- quick moments. If anyone is on board--let me know!

Some scriptures on Prayer
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him" (1 John 5:14-15).

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

"…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints" (Ephesians 6:18).

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26).

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:3).

Medicaltreatmentphobic or Claustrophobic?

So the next step in the shoulder/neck pain saga is an MRI... which I had this afternoon. I don't have the results or anything yet, but let me just say... I am SO glad that is done. I am not really "into" the hospital scene. My blood pressure raises and my pulse quickens... it is sometimes followed by a short loss of consciousness.(Even when just visiting those in the hospital) Today was no different. "It" starts several hours before some medical appointment. The thought of what may be is frightening. There is probably some psychological issue going on(medicaltreatmentphobia), but I have no official diagnosis! I get myself worked up into a sweat, sick stomach, the works! As I signed papers that mentioned the use of an IV, I became terrified. Thankfully, no needles were used in today's torture. However, I felt like I was stuffed in a comet can. You don't really see what they are doing to you, so the imagination takes off. First headphones are placed on your ears, then a cloth covers your eyes. Next, some metal contraptions are placed over you head to your chest and then over your head to "lock" you into place. I had several scans of my spine, which sounded as if I were inside a printer on the fritz. The first two were easy- 1 minute of no moving (I could breath) and then they got longer. By the 3rd scan (3 minutes long) I was started to get a little overwhelmed, feeling a sense of urgency to get out of there. I just focused on the music and prayed... it helped, I was calm enough I thought I might fall asleep. That didn't happen, but the rest of the time went quick and without serious freakout. I was thinking about the Cyber-knife and floating tumor treatments offered for serious conditions like cancer- I would have to find some superhuman strength to that again (without sedation). I am not so sure that it is claustrophobia but I am thinking we need to add medicaltreatmentphobia to the DSM-IV.

Updates!

Okay... so it is a busy week, I have something major and long every night... and it is just Tuesday. I have a couple things to update.

1. The 7x7 prayer thing is GREAT! But, I didn't get it *all* in yesterday. It was the first official day and I left my cute book at home. I was busy at school and didn't even think to pray different prayers (duh!?!). I prayed in the morning and at night for her. Prayer is something that I am constantly working on. The wonderfulness of "talking to God" escapes me in the formal setting. I don't make as much time as I should. I get distracted, too overwhelmed with the shear amount of things to talk to God about. When I am at school there isn't much "down" time to sit and meditate. At home, there is dishes, laundry, dinner, all of which are interrupted continuously with husband's comments or toddler stories. I get sidetracked and frustrated. There I said it... it is all about honesty and accountability, right?.

2. The neck injury/pain **maybe** a little more extensive than I originally thought. After a visit to the PT and an initial evaluation, he talked as though it might be a bulging or herniated disk in the neck area. We started a treatment that will help if it is bulging. Surgery is almost the only option for the herniation. I go for an MRI tomorrow. So, in the mean time for the next 4 weeks I will visit him 3x each week to get "traction" and other treatments. I had a traction treatment yesterday, trying to pull the neck back into place to stop whatever is pinching the nerves. This morning both sides of the neck are a little sore. (but I did one set of exercises).

Oh, and another lesson in Genesis: You have to feel the pain to feel God moving! More on that later!

I came across this from http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/seven-prayers-day.html Her story is incrediable...much harder than mine. I weeped!

From Bring the Rain..........
If you are a mom (or have someone else you want to pray for specifically), I hope you will join me as I do this for the next 7 days. It struck me that I need reminders during the day to be praying over my girls, and I decided to choose 7 events in a day that would remind me to do so. Then, I chose verses that had to do with that time of the day (for example: as my kids are getting dressed in the morning) and then I put them on notecards.

Here are the events and verses I chose:

1. When they wake up: "Let the morning bring (child's name) word of your unfailing love, for she has put her trust in You. Show (her/him) the way (she/he) should go, for to you (he/she) lifts up her soul." (Adapted from Psalm 143:8)

2. When they are getting dressed: "Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Lord, help (him/her) bear with others and forgive whatever grievances (he/she) has against others. Help (him/her) forgive as the Lord forgave (him/her). And over all these virtues, help (him/her) put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Adapted from Colossians 3:12-14)

3. While they are eating: "Teach (child's name) the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Teach (him/her) that (he/she) can do everything through him who gives (him/her) strength." (Adapted from Philippians 4:12-13)

4. When they go out of the house: "(Name of child), do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Adapted from Romans 12:2)

5. While they are taking a bath: Lord, give (name of child) clean hands and a pure heart, and let (him/her) not lift (his/her) soul to an idol or swear by what is false. Let (him/her) receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God (his/her) Savior. Let (him/her) be part of the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. (Adapted from Psalm 24:4-6)

6. When they are going to bed: "The Lord Your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, be will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

7. While they are sleeping: "I pray that (name of child) will do everything without complaining or arguing, so that he/she may become blameless and pure, a child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which he/she shines like a star in the universe as he/she holds out the word of life-in order that he/she may boast on the day of Christ that he/she did not run or labor for nothing." (Adapted from Philippians 2:14-16)

Where are my readers from?

Several blogs I read daily have this counter that registers traffic to the site. (FEEDJIT). I added the application at the end of my sidebar, wondering if anyone stops at my sight to read it. Not that I really care - I write more for myself than others- but I was interested! :)

I always wondered if people are reading my thoughts. Am I ministering or making them crazy... who knows! I probably won't ever know... but maybe in some small, tiny, miniscue way they getting "something" they are searching for. I have been there, searching for something, but as much as I searched on the internet, I didn't find it. I hope they are seeing God's love through my writing, because that was what I needed!

Last night, I checked on it (feedjit) surprised to find several people popped by my blog from blogger.com from ALL around the world. And all around the USA too! I know that several people are just surfing around, wasting time (I do it too!) clicking on the "next blog" button to see what pops up. But some come in directly. That means they have to have a link on their favorites button, find (like through facebook) or know my address. AMAZING. And these aren't my friends I know read, either.

So... if you are reading my blog- reguarly (or not) I should add a #7 random thing about me!

• I love getting mail and email! I love reading comments! I even read other blogs comments. My sweet husband always saves the mail for me in the box, so I can get it myself at the end of the day. My blog comments forwarded to my phone, so I can read them during the day! (because I can't access my blog at school) So... if you are reading~~Let me know!

AND for those of you who I read daily... I will start leaving more comments for you! Even if it is just a "hello"!

In honor of Autumn...

Last year after we lost our little Autumn, I bought an angel ornament to hang on the Christmas tree. It was one of the more important purchases. I thought that since we didn't have a proper burial for her (didn't know it was an option at the time) I would honor her memory by purchasing an Angel each Christmas season. We choose not to have a formal funeral setting. While shopping with my family today, Hobby Lobby had their Christmas ornaments on sale and I was really thinking about this time of year. The date of the miscarriage is less than two weeks away. I looked and looked at oranments. Some were ugly, some were pretty, but none just caught my attention until I found this one. It reads "I am with you always"! I had picked several that "would do" but this one is perfect. I am trying to find a way to display them all year.

So... while browsing for the Autumn Angel, I found the perfect ornament for Evy as well. My mom has started the tradition of buying or making the grandbabies oranaments for their collection. She said it will be great for them to have some for their own tree when they leave home. Since Evy has started dance this year- and is love with her dance teacher (she invited her to Christmas), I thought it would be fitting. It is a very cute little girl.


Now I can't wait to put up my Christmas tree!

Celebrating Randomness

My friend Chrissy tagged me, and here are the rules:
1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you are tagged, just do it, and pass the tag along!

Rather simple, so first here are the six random things about me:

#1. I am a flower person. I love flowers-- all types: Gerber Daisies, Roses, Heather, Vincas and many others. I like to plant them, but I forget to water them. My dearest most thoughtful husband keeps them alive!

#2. Sometimes I find it hard not to laugh when Evy does or says something funny. These are usually times when I need to follow up with some sort of life lesson or discipline. It is usually not the time to be laughing. She is truly funny.

#3 I really like to make things, but tend not to finish projects. I have material for cross shirts, stamps for making cards, tons of scrapbooking materials but rarely use them. I have all these cool ideas, but they never turn out and I end up frustrated. I found a new card making magazine today and was somewhat inspired to try again. It just isn't too fun to do it alone or with a toddler at your feet!

#4 I am a TV addict. I love to watch TV, so much so that Michael and I have 2 TIVOs and a dual tuner DVR from the cable company... it is my weekend indulgence. I love to watch the Biggest Loser and eat popcorn and junk...great example huh? I am however finding that most TV is adding scenes and storylines that I don't want to put in my head.

#5 I secretly (oops! not anymore) want to learn ballet and play team sports (soccer or volleyball or something). But, Enid, America doesn't have a ton of chooses and I don't have a lot of courage to go at it alone.

#6 I love to listen to "my" music jamming loud in the car with the windows down and the sun roof open. It doesn't happen too often (since someone is always in the car) but when I am alone, I might drive the long way just to hear one more song. I also imagine that I have some sleek sporty car vs. my large SUV... secret desires revealed!

So... what randomness do you have. I tag:

Michael
Hesterwoman
Amy V.
Lisa S.
Jessica
Dawn

Randomness

So, I have had a ton of thoughts on my mind my none seemed complete enough to write a blog about. So, I am thinking I will make a quick list to expand at later dates. I still haven't figured out what in the world this blog is for. It seems to change and my poor readers probably feel as emotionally drained as my me by the end of the post. (Sorry!)

• Thinking of researching women of the Bible vs. barren women of the Bible. It seems that barren women always made some HUGE impact in the Old Testament.
• I am currently praying about taking a family mission trip to Texas/Mexico this summer with MBMS. I have always felt like God was urging me to missions, but was never allowed to go as a youth group member. The first few years of marriage it didn't present itself and then I kept pushing it away- trying to start a family, jobs, etc. Now, it seems to be ever present again. I don't want to disobey.
• Thinking about how to deal with disciplining children. I want Evy to grow up to be a Godly women, so am I giving her a good example. She is a typical three year old (maybe not?) and is pushing those limits... also we are having HUGE food issues... she is such a slow and picker eater. Should their be consequences for that? should we just leave her at the table to finish? will that effect/affect her attention issues? Am I giving her a good enough example?
• Dreams.... why am I having dreams again? these seem to only happen when I am pregnant- and I am not THAT!! these are... terrible dreams. I am in the part of the Patriarchs study that Joesph has interrupted the dreams of the butler, baker and Pharoah. I am hoping mine are nothing more than a SUPER tired spirit who is studying about dreams.
• Shoulder issues... I finally have a partial answer to the problem. It is probably a pinched nerve in my neck causing all the pain. While that sounds like a small and fixable issue- the researched causes of the pinched nerve are not generally great. I had an overwhelming fear that it was possibly a cancerous tumor on my spine which put me into a little hysteria last night (only lasted about 10-15 min) I think the researched information coupled with the dream about Mom only have 5-8 months to live after a bone scan (I am having an MRI on Tuesday) was a little more than I could handle last night-- kind of the like bulter and bakers dreams were preparation for their life's outcome- one restored and one destroyed!
• I am a little sad that in less than 2 weeks my study will be over... although I have been making the time (almost) every morning and to spend time before school (or internet) to complete a lesson. It has become a treasured time in just a short while. I am already prepared for the interuim time before the next study. I will become more faithful to reading the BM "David" study I am suppose to be sharing with my friend Amy in Ohio.
• I am still praying/searching for a mentor/friend whom I can get counsel from. It has been on my mind and then was asked in a church survey. I can remember the best spritial conversations between my mentor years ago... I sure miss that!

Okay... if you are still reading... it seems like I am falling apart, but I am not! I am truly blessed and love my new lease on life. What a wonderful, glorious life to leave in healing. I have that to owe to My Jesus!

A great weekend!!!

It has been a very fun weekend, despite Michael's sickness. We had a blast with our family and the girls really love each other. They are so fun to watch. I wish they were able to spend more time together, but alas life gets in the way. But, Jess found a house in Enid... so maybe they will move here and then get jobs and a new life (wink...wink...)

Thankfully school on Friday was chaos but not madness and we all survived... so that is a great praise.

Saturday after the family left to go home, Mom and I went to the store and then to the Kiner's to let the dogs out. When I opened the door and the alarm started beeping at me, I knew I was in trouble. I had about 30 seconds to figure out how to turn it off. I knew the code, but had never actually disarmed it! So it went off and I was calling Michael, trying to figure out how to get it to stop. I was shaking like a leaf. The company called and thankfully, I thought to answer the phone and no police were called. I felt like a big idiot and was still shaking after we left. After church, I went back, but this time... no alarm! Thank the Lord!

Sunday has been great so far, wonderful worship, yummy homemade lunch, time with Michael, catching up on TV, a nap, and a light dinner. Oh, and the Pokes won their game... who could ask for more!

A song in my heart....

I told Michael the other day that I wanted another copy of the 4Him Praise and Worship CD. I was addicted to it several years ago AND listened to it so much is is severely scratched and skips constantly-- not to inviting for praise or worships session. "GREAT- GRE- GREA- GREAT is they faithfulness....not working well!" So my all to wonderful, ever so pleasing, AWESOME husband of mind had another copy burned and sitting on the bar before work a couple days ago. I sure have enjoyed it!

Today I took a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure it would be negative, as the ever so unwanted "other" signs are taking form, but I thought, "what can it hurt." Well, for those of you who know my story... it can be very painful. I surely should own part of the testing companies with as much money I have thrown to the wind (or peed on and thrown away). Anyway, today's outcome was no great shocker- negative. I was a little taken back at 5:15 this morning because there were two lines. But this particular test has to have a + and a line... so it was still negative. BUT, the most WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS thing happened afterwards. I realized I was internally singing "Fairer, Lord Jesus". Isn't that great... a song...in my heart! This is a big deal for me because I am not a musical person. I sing in church, and in the car, and in my classroom, but I don't just sing when their is no musical backup. I don't remember melodies well, so I like the music to prompt me... but today (and really for several days) those 4Him praise tunes RING in my heart!!!

Time to say Goodbye...

So, the junk room is still invaded the living room. I did however find the energy (battling a small cold) today to go through Evy's closet. The new "office" closet will house my clothing, so I had to go through all the baby clothes and toys that were precariously tucked away. I spent a couple hours unloading boxes of baby clothes to decided weather to keep or sell/consign. I drastically reduced the amount we are going to keep and even pulled some of my favorites for my niece. I did however stumble across two things that made my heart a little sad. I had really forgotten about them... until I picked them off the shelf today. Last year (while I was still pregnant) we went for Mills-Henderson Zoo Day '07-- I picked up a bib for baby to commemorate the "first trip to the zoo" I had also purchased Evy a shirt that said "World's Greatest Sister" on it for her to wear during the 2nd/3rd trimester... that never happened. I remember tucking them away thinking... maybe next time!?! So, now it is time to say goodbye to my darling little baby clothes to make room in the closet. I really don't know why I held on to so many.... I guess I was thinking our next little one could use them, but really the odds of that are small. Cori is the opposite season of Evy so she didn't get much use either... I was really kind of proud of myself for not spiraling out of control today. I feel more and more healed everyday! Thanks and glory to God. As for the bib and sister shirt... someone will get great use out of them, someday!

For the Love of Jacob...

That was the title of the video lesson for today's Bible Study. I walked into an empty room, tables arranged differently, but the first thing that jumped out at me was 4 (count them, 1, 2, 3, 4) boxes of Kleenex. So... we studied about Jacob preparing to meet Esau and how he was scared to death, shaking in his boots (or sandals, rather)! They hadn't met up since he deceived Isaac and stole the blessing. He had fled his home and family to escape Esau "comforting himself with thoughts of murder!" So... we make it about half way through the lesson talking about wronging someone and having the fear to face them- no big deal for me... I thought, "what in the world do we need all this Kleenex for?"

Then... "IT" came. Jacob's face-to-face encounter with the Lord. He sent his family away and sat alone waiting to meet Esau. A man came along and they wrestled all night. We touched on having an Honest Appraisal of the situation- figuring out who we are and what game we are/or aren't playing. Being able to deal when it is just "you and the Lord"
Then we talked about "An Honest fight" Do I fight dirty- my answer yes. I was learning this week that I need to stop trying to "win" the argument by saying hurtful things first (or period) It isn't okay. So... I was pretty sure that was my lesson for the day. But, oh, no!!! The LORD had something else in mind.

In Jacob's wrestling with the Angel of the Lord, he could not overpower him~ meaning he could not make him quit. He had to hurt his hip to make him stop. Then Jacob begged for the blessing.

God wants to bless us, sometimes he has to injure us to let him! BOOM! In Beth's words, God says, "you can bend your knees, or I can break your legs" That was it. My questions to "why" did the last year happen~2 miscarriages, sickness/surgeries, sadness, loss, all the stresses~ were answered in those 14 words. Sometimes God has to injure us to let him bless us! Boy, was I injured. I wrestled and wrestled... then I let go. I was angry that I didn't win, but it isn't for me to win. God is FOR US, so who can be against us. In my self-destructive cycle I was feeling that opposition from God. He was bowed behind me pushing me, wrestling me, egging me on. BUT, He was still working. He wanted me to put up an Honest fight... and wait for his blessing. For a while I let go, I gave up, I didn't hold on for the blessing. In every struggle, DO NOT let go until the blessing comes. When we struggle through the crisis with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined.

I will be gloriously redefined!!!

Back in the Groove!

So Fall Break was officially over at 7:45a.m. today when I had to report to school. It was an interesting day. Not the best-- not the worst. I am going to be teaching SAIP on Thursday, so I am missing parent-teacher conference night. To make up for it, I am offering conferences for two evenings. I was at school until 6p.m. night. So... now I am officially back in the groove.

This... also applies to my exercise routine. I am **really** trying to workout more. I want to learn to run... it burns more calories than walking and seems to be great stress relief. It also is a necessity to achieve my goal of completing a triathalon. I went to FP yesterday and did 25 minutes of cardio (about 6 min. of jogging- the rest walking) and then lifted weights on arms. I really considered hiring a trainer again to kick my butt... but can't justify the extra $88 a month (just for once a week) and would really need to spend more. Maybe I should pray for that extra money to come in... cause otherwise we just don't have it.

So... my online "friend" just completed a marathon relay and found some great gear. She is giving away a GREAT sports bra- it has a pocket to old your ipod, phone, keys, extra. A great thing when you are biking or running. So...

I entered the Gracie Gear Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

I also started another blog... so I can post my food totals and exercise. I am definately needing some accountablity if nothing other than writing and posting daily. You can check it out if interested. www.amysextradegree.blogspot.com

Happy Monday!

Home Improvments

We made a few home improvments this weekend. Evy is "out growing" her bedroom. Frankly, I am tired of toys strung all over the den and living room~ and the steps that ensure during 'clean-up time'. She is easily distracted like her mother. So we are moving her into the bigger spare bedroom. Everyone has a junk drawer in their house...mine is more of a junk room. Christmas decorations, winter clothes, suitcases, boxes of stuff that really hasn't been used in several years, computer equipment, and all sorts of "stuff"! So I emptied out the room, like Trading Spaces. We painted the room~ Evy even helped. It is now "almost" finished. We loaded her furniture and she needed me to sleep with her. Michael was going to wake me up, but I guess I was too tired. I woke up at 5:00AM still in her bed. She was upside down.

All of these "projects" got me to thinking about the "home improvments" that Jesus is making in my heart. Unfortuately, his house in my heart was dark and dirty for a long time. We are cleaning it together. Cleaning is not my favorite thing to do. I am more of a "hide it in a drawer" quick cleaner to make it presentable vs. scrubbed clean. This is not the type of cleaning I need to do in my life/heart. It is easier to live the life oblivious to the surroundings, hiding the bad stuff away. I am working on it!

So... off to the gym. I really enjoy my time working out and while Evy is napping, I am going to sneak away!

A great week!

This has really been a great week. My only complaint is that I haven't been able to work out because I twisted/sprained my foot last week. It happened Thursday and just got worse and worse until I quit baring weight on it... then it was better. So I am going to start exercising this week again. It also rained solid for three days-- so inside recess Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Thankfully the sun came out yesterday. And...no kids at school. I worked as a "professional day" on RTI graphs for the teachers. For some reason my focus was off and I didn't get them all accomplished. I still have lots of work before going back to school. Last night we came to Tulsa to watch my cousin in the Collinsville Cadet band.

I kind of forgot what small town America was like. The kids were running around without parent...smoking was allowed inside the gate but not in the stands (I guess) and cheap concession stand food. We came home after 10, grabbed late night food and wrote some Humanities definitions. I am helping Brooke with her assignment. I think it was after midnight before I fell asleep. This morning... I woke at 6:45- which sadly is sleeping in (about an hour) for my body. I made myself lay there until about 7:20, but couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go do some sort of exercise, but didn't bring the right clothes or shoes. I was packing light.

Michael and I reached another milestone yesterday. Oct. 16 was the day I found out I was pregnant with Autumn. It was kind of a bitter sweet day. I was a little uptight which means I picked a couple fights--I wanted to be mad at something. But, really over the last few weeks, I have experinced much healing. Odd thing: I probably ovulated yesterday, so we might end up pregnant again in October. We'll see if it in God's timing.

I am so glad that Michael got to come with us. Brooke has lived in this apartment for a LONG time and he still hasn't seen it. Although, he could have done without the football game, he is enjoying that he spontanously did something. Today we will travel to Stillwater to meet up with Jessica, Justin and Cori and head out to the pumpkin patch. Evy just loves her cousin Cori, so the girls should have some fun. Then it is home again... for the rest of the weekend. Our home group was planning a camping trip (which I was super excited for) but with all the rain, plans have changed, so I am just waiting to hear what is in the works.

Okay... so my next goal is to learn to run. Last night I trailed Brooke running about 4 blocks with Evy back to Grandma's house. I had to slow to walk for a couple feet a few times, but Evy kept running and I had to keep up. I REALLY want to learn to run... I felt so good after we stopped. I was inspired by the Biggest Loser show and Brady running up the mountian. If those people can do it-- I can do it, too! I just need motivation and something to chase!

Thanks you Lord!

What a great day... attributed to one student being gone, but nonetheless. Thank you Lord for answered prayers.

Dear Lord,

So, it's Monday again. Thank you that I had two days of rest. Truthfully, they were short and I didn't accomplish what I wanted but it was nice to hang out with Grandma and Mom and Dad. So since it is Monday, I am a little scared to go to work. I don't know what today will hold and I don't feel like getting beat down again by naughty kids. God, I know you have the power to help in this situation... please intervene. Thursday was an awesome day last week. Can't they be more like that?!?! I have tried lots of different interventions and the only one that works is prayers. So I am asking that you take control of these kids and help give them some self-control. The counselor will be in today, please let her message help with the situations in the classroom. I pray that medication is working properly.... I pray that my foot will be healing. It seems to be getting worse each time I walk on it. I don't really have the luxury of sitting all day. I pray that these next 3 days are short, productive and problem free. All of this is in the mighty name of your ONLY Son, Christ Jesus!!!

A Great Day!!

So... thanks for the prayers... Today was an awesome day. I appreciate the prayers. It seems like the small changes made were effective. But, I have to say that one of the problem students was gone. So... maybe tomorrow will be the same. We got a TON of goals acheived today. I also was about to eat my lunch (mostly) without interruption AND didn't feel like quitting today.

We also went to dinner with Michael's dad, but Evy threw up at the restuarant. Thankfully, we made it to the bathroom first! I think she has a fever, but can't really get an accurate temperature. I am hoping she is going to be better now.

I am so falling in love with the Lord again. I am just loving the fact that EVERYTHING I am reading and learning is colliding together. For example- last Sunday I learned about forgiveness in Genesis with Joesph. Genesis is the scriptures in my Patriarchs Bible study. Then later I was listening to Lifechurch.tv and the Paster preached on the scriptures in Genesis 12 that started the study. Last night, the Patriarchs study talked about Islam and how to make changes in your life to effect your decendents- which lines up with my sisters scripture reading/blog from last night. Then working out today, I was listening to Beth Moore on Life Today (downloaded to my ipod) she referenced Joesph and his brothers. It was FULL circle.

Prayer Request...

For those of you who read my blog regularly have probably figured out that this year is very tough!!! So, please pray that our days begin to get better. I am really struggling to acheive our goals and objectives. They would rather be running around fighting each other. Yesterday wasn't by far the worst, but it had it's own challenges. (major puking incident)... So please pray that the kids would be able to use some self-control and that I would be less irritable. I just want them to learn!

Forgiveness....

Today I went to Sunday School for the first time in probably a year. I haven't been too impressed with the choices offered and made excuses not to participate. I have been intrigued by the class offered based off Phillip Yancey's book "What's so Amazing about Grace?" So I decided to give it a shot. The lesson was on forgiveness...the questions raised included "It is ever not appropriate to forgive?" They shared some very unique stories about forgiveness that seems impossible. The Russian citizens forgiving (showing acts of kindness to ) the enlisted German Nazi soldiers at the end of the war when they were being paraded to the train to be shipped back to their country after killing 40 million people. Another women forgave the 2 men who kidnapped her and her boyfriend at the age of 16 and repeated raped her over the course of 36 hours of terror. Now... I haven't encountered such a need to forgive. But....

These stories brought up some interesting questions in my mind. I was dying to ask... but being new to the class and the knowing the breath and depth would be too much for our 10-15 minute discussion time I zipped my lips. First question... does forgiveness mean it doesn't get brought up again? If I forgive Michael (or anyone else) of some wrong doing, am I allowed to reference it in future discussions? What happens if you are deeply hurt by nature/God? How does forgiveness fit into the category of being angry at God for allowing bad things to happen? This has been an issue of mine over the last months. We all know that the miscarriage last year through me for a loop. I am a forever changed person. I think changed in a bad way... but I have struggled with understanding how God could let that terrible thing happen. I know there is some reason for it, but I have struggled with the hurt associated with that loss. If it had come from a person, I would have to forgive and move on... but my mere mortal self- can't even fathom that I would need to forgive God!! I mean, he sent his ONLY son to live on earth with us sinners, then be betrayed, beaten and crucified... all to save and forgive me. What right do I have to forgive God for taking my baby away? See- it is too deep!! I wanted to ask so badly... but I couldn't even get it into words. Even now, it sounds selfish and unimaginable. But, in my defense, that event changed to whole course of my existance. It left a huge hole in my life and the deepest scar on my heart. I am not really sure I can repair the damage the damage can be repaired. It is hard for me to fatham that all the pain, anger, and emotional baggage is part of God's plan? So... is it possible to forgive God for letting bad things happen.

On a lighter note.... I discovered Wednesday that I never allowed myself to give the characters in the Bible a personal side. They haven't been "real" people to me. I haven't ever been able to fully develop the story- their character attributes are spread so far out, it is hard to really understand who you are reading about when you read isolated chapters in study... So in reading Genesis, I decided that my goal would be to give the people a more emotional/personal side. I really began this in Gen 21 when Abraham lies a second time about Sarah's relationship and then again when Sarah died. In the lesson today (for Sunday School) we read about Joesph being sold into slavery from his brothers. I was able to picture that scene (the kicking and screaming) as they brought him up from the pit and then gave him over to the Ishmealites. I am sure it wasn't a quiet scene. Can you picture him on the ride to Eygpt plotting how to escape? Was he running sceneros in his mind trying to figure a secret way to escape the slavery? It must have been a sight to see.

Getting Better....

or so I thought. I am really feeling a little better, but stepped on the scale to notice that I had gained 9 lbs. OH... that is a little much in less than two weeks. I am thinking some of it has to with being sick... and some with the junk food (twinkies, cookies, star crunch and chips) I have brought into the house in the last few weeks. Really there is no good excuse~ a long list of reasons ~ but no excuses. I have been stressed on birth control and craving chocolate. At one point, I decided that I liked myself the way I was and was just going to exercise but not "diet". So... now after the nine pound gain, I am going back to food journaling. Yesterday when I was home, I ended up eating more than three meals and two snacks. Each of the pills you have to eat with so I let that be whole meal...bad idea. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make healthier choices. Today, I ate zuchinni lasagna for lunch (not so bad, eh?), a star crunch, AND a twinkie (the bad). Snack was ice-cream cake (going away party) and breakfast was a biscut with bacon,egg and cheese at school. Too many calories.

I am also learning a lot from my Patriarchs study. Last week, I was talking about Abrahams poor choices like gossip. It was funny. I have avoided today because Sarah dies in the next chapter. I don't think I want to picture that scene. Poor old Abramham-- like 137 or something- sobbing for his wife who passed away. Makes me sad to think abou it. But, she was able to have Issac and live for another 37 years! What a blessing.

Sick Day.... YUCKO

I am sick today... sick enough to call for a sub. It is not a terrible stomach virus, or cold, but a (sorry TMI) bladder infection. Now, I thought that I have had my share of these in the past... a day of water, cranberry juice and cranberry pills... a ZAPPO... it's gone. But not this one. I actually was concerned enough (feeling crappy enough) to go to the doctor. So now, I am spending my days sucking down water and sitting lazily on my chair with the heating pad. I am hoping that the antibotics ZAP it by tomorrow. It is a very painful situation.

Adoption Application

Michael and I have always felt a strong desire to adopt a child. To give love to a little one whose parents aren't around to love them or take care of them. We can do that! So, five months ago, Michael and I requested adoption paperwork through the state of Oklahoma. I wasn't particularly healed from the miscarriage and was really wanting a baby. (It was May- our baby would have been born in June) We decided to put off turning the application in until after Evy's birthday in July. So... while cleaning up the other day, I found the application. I looked back over it. At the time, I was so desperate to have a child, I had marked tons of possiblities. Now, with a little clarity of head, I removed some of those possibilities. Since I teacher developmentally delayed children, I really don't have the engergy to come home to those kinds of issues. It wouldn't be fair to the baby or Evy.

I have been praying and will continue to pray about what direction is the right direction to take. Adoption keeps coming up. I have decided after a couple months of bc pills, that I don't really want to the shots... I still remember how horrible it is. If I get pregnant, great. If God gives us a child through adoption... YIPEE!

Tragedy in all forms....

"Mommy!!" I hear loudly proclaimed as the pitter-patter of feet race through the kitchen. "Mommy, help me, it is terrible, Gus-Gus is missing!" Such a tragedy for a three year old preparing for her bath. He new water Cinderella and Gus the mouse are not together- She is so distraught. I was able to walk in her room and find all the peices immediately.

Then my thoughts went immediately to my student who's biological mom was killed in a police pursuit last night. Today he was full of mischief of every sort. He was hyper beyond compare. I found out at 2:30p.m. of this tragedy that struck their family just 12 short hours before. What a difference that piece of information makes. You see to him, she is not Mom. But, I know that their must have been sadness in his home this morning after the police visit last night. I just feel so sad for that family to deal with the aftermath of poor choices.

This week has been particularly rough at school. Six of my 10 students are having a particularly tough week. I am sure given this tragic information, it won't get much better for this little guy. But, I am reminded how some of the things in life that seem such big issues are really little. Missing toy vs. death. A little perspective makes me consider how blessed I am. God has shown me this several times in the last days- narrowly missing a head on collision on the way to Bible Study last night, peace concerning an important decision and the wonderful loving family I have. I am definatly blessed to be figuring out what "brown" shirt to wear tomorrow instead of picking out my daughter's coffin.

Dear Lord, Thanks for the perspective. I ask that you are with this family as they deal with the serious issues/sadness/bitterness concerning this death. I ask that you sheild those little boys from too much sadness. I ask that you give them peace and understanding. Amen

Oh... and for those of you tracking my healthy living front- my job is making me fat! The stress is getting to me. I am not gaining, but I am not pushing it to the gym or making good choices. I am emotionally and physically drained. Hopefully, I get get more motivated.

One year ago today!

Michael and I have had alot of these statements in the last months ... but one year ago today Michael woke up with a detached retina. It would take a week to figure out that diagnosis and then he had surgery on Oct. 1. The Lord provided for us during that time of stress and I even became pregnant during that week. To be fair to such an event... I should let you in on the other "a year ago today's"!

August 28- purchased the equipments and account rights for the business.
August 29- quit his job to become a business owner
September 11- moved answering service to new office
Oct 1- retina surgery
Oct 16- found out I was pregnant
Early Nov.- Michael's dad was admitted to the hospital with hemoglobin at 6.something. He would remain in and out of the hospital until April/May 2008.
Nov. 22- Thanksgiving 2007-started to miscarry baby Autumn
Nov. 28- surgery for baby Autumn

During that time, I kept thinking that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. In just three short months we had experienced more trauma/drama/excitement than would occur in several years for most people. Looking back almost a year later, there is still lots of pain and healing that are occuring, but I am definately a much stronger women.

Day of Rest!

I was so tired Saturday after being up half the night... because I didn't manage to fall alseep until after 5:30AM... that I decided to take some benedryl last night to aid in my sleep. So today I was lazy. We went to church, hit the grocery store, home for lunch and a nap...watched a movie, then back to the store (we were out of trash bags) and then dinner. Now I am going to do my Bible Study and hit the bed early.

I watched lifechurch.tv today after church and was convicted to have a day of rest every week. The message series is "You don't have what it takes". This week was about "you can't handle it all". He pointed out that taking on too much makes you out of shape physically, out of sorts emotionally, out of touch relationally, and out of it spiritually. I know that I have taken on too much in the past. In the last 6 months I have stopped, shared and shed lots of my commitments in order to spend more time with what matters- my husband and Evy. It took a major breakdown for that to occur. I am busy now but we are definately choosing to spend more time doing things with family and friends, playing games and going to the park then we have in the past. It sure was nice to feel validated for spending a day each week to relax and live with no pressure to work.

Check out lifechurch.tv- you can watch the first two messages in the series. And Wednesday they will add this weeks. Or you can watch and worship LIVE Tuesday evening.

Awake in the middle of the night....

It is common practice when life gets stressful for me to wake up frequently. However, I am usually the kind of person who can roll over and fall right back to sleep. Not tonight. It has been an hour and half of stewing and I am unable to fall asleep. I am tired, but awake. So, I did what any stressed person does. I wrote it out... then got on the internet. I have learned some things in this short period of time. #1 My phone will make it here by Tuesday (YEAH!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!!) #2 several friends in Facebook have birthdays this week #3 There are other people who can't sleep! So... hopefully in a few short minutes I will feel that urge to fall alseep.