Getting Better....

or so I thought. I am really feeling a little better, but stepped on the scale to notice that I had gained 9 lbs. OH... that is a little much in less than two weeks. I am thinking some of it has to with being sick... and some with the junk food (twinkies, cookies, star crunch and chips) I have brought into the house in the last few weeks. Really there is no good excuse~ a long list of reasons ~ but no excuses. I have been stressed on birth control and craving chocolate. At one point, I decided that I liked myself the way I was and was just going to exercise but not "diet". So... now after the nine pound gain, I am going back to food journaling. Yesterday when I was home, I ended up eating more than three meals and two snacks. Each of the pills you have to eat with so I let that be whole meal...bad idea. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make healthier choices. Today, I ate zuchinni lasagna for lunch (not so bad, eh?), a star crunch, AND a twinkie (the bad). Snack was ice-cream cake (going away party) and breakfast was a biscut with bacon,egg and cheese at school. Too many calories.

I am also learning a lot from my Patriarchs study. Last week, I was talking about Abrahams poor choices like gossip. It was funny. I have avoided today because Sarah dies in the next chapter. I don't think I want to picture that scene. Poor old Abramham-- like 137 or something- sobbing for his wife who passed away. Makes me sad to think abou it. But, she was able to have Issac and live for another 37 years! What a blessing.

Sick Day.... YUCKO

I am sick today... sick enough to call for a sub. It is not a terrible stomach virus, or cold, but a (sorry TMI) bladder infection. Now, I thought that I have had my share of these in the past... a day of water, cranberry juice and cranberry pills... a ZAPPO... it's gone. But not this one. I actually was concerned enough (feeling crappy enough) to go to the doctor. So now, I am spending my days sucking down water and sitting lazily on my chair with the heating pad. I am hoping that the antibotics ZAP it by tomorrow. It is a very painful situation.

Adoption Application

Michael and I have always felt a strong desire to adopt a child. To give love to a little one whose parents aren't around to love them or take care of them. We can do that! So, five months ago, Michael and I requested adoption paperwork through the state of Oklahoma. I wasn't particularly healed from the miscarriage and was really wanting a baby. (It was May- our baby would have been born in June) We decided to put off turning the application in until after Evy's birthday in July. So... while cleaning up the other day, I found the application. I looked back over it. At the time, I was so desperate to have a child, I had marked tons of possiblities. Now, with a little clarity of head, I removed some of those possibilities. Since I teacher developmentally delayed children, I really don't have the engergy to come home to those kinds of issues. It wouldn't be fair to the baby or Evy.

I have been praying and will continue to pray about what direction is the right direction to take. Adoption keeps coming up. I have decided after a couple months of bc pills, that I don't really want to the shots... I still remember how horrible it is. If I get pregnant, great. If God gives us a child through adoption... YIPEE!

Tragedy in all forms....

"Mommy!!" I hear loudly proclaimed as the pitter-patter of feet race through the kitchen. "Mommy, help me, it is terrible, Gus-Gus is missing!" Such a tragedy for a three year old preparing for her bath. He new water Cinderella and Gus the mouse are not together- She is so distraught. I was able to walk in her room and find all the peices immediately.

Then my thoughts went immediately to my student who's biological mom was killed in a police pursuit last night. Today he was full of mischief of every sort. He was hyper beyond compare. I found out at 2:30p.m. of this tragedy that struck their family just 12 short hours before. What a difference that piece of information makes. You see to him, she is not Mom. But, I know that their must have been sadness in his home this morning after the police visit last night. I just feel so sad for that family to deal with the aftermath of poor choices.

This week has been particularly rough at school. Six of my 10 students are having a particularly tough week. I am sure given this tragic information, it won't get much better for this little guy. But, I am reminded how some of the things in life that seem such big issues are really little. Missing toy vs. death. A little perspective makes me consider how blessed I am. God has shown me this several times in the last days- narrowly missing a head on collision on the way to Bible Study last night, peace concerning an important decision and the wonderful loving family I have. I am definatly blessed to be figuring out what "brown" shirt to wear tomorrow instead of picking out my daughter's coffin.

Dear Lord, Thanks for the perspective. I ask that you are with this family as they deal with the serious issues/sadness/bitterness concerning this death. I ask that you sheild those little boys from too much sadness. I ask that you give them peace and understanding. Amen

Oh... and for those of you tracking my healthy living front- my job is making me fat! The stress is getting to me. I am not gaining, but I am not pushing it to the gym or making good choices. I am emotionally and physically drained. Hopefully, I get get more motivated.

One year ago today!

Michael and I have had alot of these statements in the last months ... but one year ago today Michael woke up with a detached retina. It would take a week to figure out that diagnosis and then he had surgery on Oct. 1. The Lord provided for us during that time of stress and I even became pregnant during that week. To be fair to such an event... I should let you in on the other "a year ago today's"!

August 28- purchased the equipments and account rights for the business.
August 29- quit his job to become a business owner
September 11- moved answering service to new office
Oct 1- retina surgery
Oct 16- found out I was pregnant
Early Nov.- Michael's dad was admitted to the hospital with hemoglobin at 6.something. He would remain in and out of the hospital until April/May 2008.
Nov. 22- Thanksgiving 2007-started to miscarry baby Autumn
Nov. 28- surgery for baby Autumn

During that time, I kept thinking that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. In just three short months we had experienced more trauma/drama/excitement than would occur in several years for most people. Looking back almost a year later, there is still lots of pain and healing that are occuring, but I am definately a much stronger women.

Day of Rest!

I was so tired Saturday after being up half the night... because I didn't manage to fall alseep until after 5:30AM... that I decided to take some benedryl last night to aid in my sleep. So today I was lazy. We went to church, hit the grocery store, home for lunch and a nap...watched a movie, then back to the store (we were out of trash bags) and then dinner. Now I am going to do my Bible Study and hit the bed early.

I watched lifechurch.tv today after church and was convicted to have a day of rest every week. The message series is "You don't have what it takes". This week was about "you can't handle it all". He pointed out that taking on too much makes you out of shape physically, out of sorts emotionally, out of touch relationally, and out of it spiritually. I know that I have taken on too much in the past. In the last 6 months I have stopped, shared and shed lots of my commitments in order to spend more time with what matters- my husband and Evy. It took a major breakdown for that to occur. I am busy now but we are definately choosing to spend more time doing things with family and friends, playing games and going to the park then we have in the past. It sure was nice to feel validated for spending a day each week to relax and live with no pressure to work.

Check out lifechurch.tv- you can watch the first two messages in the series. And Wednesday they will add this weeks. Or you can watch and worship LIVE Tuesday evening.

Awake in the middle of the night....

It is common practice when life gets stressful for me to wake up frequently. However, I am usually the kind of person who can roll over and fall right back to sleep. Not tonight. It has been an hour and half of stewing and I am unable to fall asleep. I am tired, but awake. So, I did what any stressed person does. I wrote it out... then got on the internet. I have learned some things in this short period of time. #1 My phone will make it here by Tuesday (YEAH!! YEAH!!! YEAH!!!!) #2 several friends in Facebook have birthdays this week #3 There are other people who can't sleep! So... hopefully in a few short minutes I will feel that urge to fall alseep.

Isn't it Friday yet?

That was the question I was asking myself on Monday afternoon. Today is Wednesday night, so officially I am past the half way point. I think I can make it. This week was SUPER packed. Monday was a stressful IEP in the morning and a meeting afterschool to plan the presentation. Tuesday was a SUPER stressful IEP meeting in the afternoon and then presentations to parents from 6-8 in the evening. Today, I had another presentation to teachers scheduled (they cancelled- but rescheduled for next week)so I went to the faculty meeting... then church/Bible Study... It just seems to be jam packed. I am looking forward to the weekend and a reprieve from meetings.

I did all my "homework" for the Bible Study this week! Aren't you proud of me? It didn't seem hard to fit it in and I definitely learned a lot. I didn't know that Abraham lied about his relationship with Sarai to the Pharaoh and Pharaoh lived with her as his wife for a while... imagine that camel ride home after being sent away from Pharaoh's land. Anger, silence, tears... and such shame between man and wife. I am still in awe that Abram is 75 years old during these chapters of Genesis. It makes me think of John McCain and his run for the Presidency. He is about that old. or young? I only hope that I am not 75 when God decides that he is going to give me his blessing, maybe bestow a nation.

In Bible Study tonight, Beth talked about God taking your "from" somewhere and then "to" another place. I really feel like God has taken me "from" my complacent and angry self and is in the process of taking me "to" somewhere else, but I am just sitting waiting for the destination to be revealed. I still live in this land of wonder. I wonder why? bad things happen, children die, accidents occur, bad circumstances happen, etc. The answers fall in between God is Sovereign and God's love is Unconditional. I am not sure those chapters will ever be revealed on Earth... so I am just trusting and believing that God's plan is the best plan.

So... what am I searching for: peace, patience, and direction! Dear Lord, grant me the peace to trust your plan, patience to wait for your timing, and steer me in the direction of your voice.

What is Ur to me?

Last night I attended the first women's Bible study for the Patriachs series. Truthfully, it was my first women's study in about 7 years...is that right? Anyway, it was an impressive account of the ancestory of Jews/Hebrews leading to my spirital ancestory. I learned some new things and was refreshed on some old Hebrew. I am definately getting my Bible and Lexicon back from the seminary student I let borrow it.

I began Day 1 of Week 1 today on my homework. I followed Beth's advice highlighted the different towns and people in Gen. 12 to keep it all straight. I read the scriptures when God told Abram to leave... and go. He didn't really know where is was going... but he went. I began to wonder if I would have have traveled like Abram. So many times God has said..."do this" and I hesitate. But Abram took his wife and nephew on a promise that God would "make a great nation and him famous..." MAJOR ISSUE: his wife was barren... How is this going to work? But, I have been on that side of the card...following God's words and not knowing how it was going to happen. AND He kept his promise!!

So the challenge of the study: leading me far away from my "urs" the land of comfort and routine. God is never aimless... there is a reason for this study at this time in my life. God is calling me to leave my rut and "go" to the glace He will show us. I have 55 days to figure out where it will be. I am pumped!

I love the fair....

Tonight after I whipped up a quick dinner, I asked Michael if we wanted to take Evy out to the petting zoo at the fair. I really didn't know what to expect, but knew it would be some free entertainment for her. He had to work later and then I am leaving for the game, so some fun family time was in order. But when we got there she was immediately drawn to the ferris wheel. We didn't even make it out of the car before she was talking about it. So we bought some tickets. First she rode the carousel and then we walked down the games lane. Evy wanted to do the fishing game and so we let her. She caught 6 sharks and won a stuffed alligator. Then we went inside to see the petting zoo and duck exhibit.

We had invited our neighbors and they met up with us. We walked around all the exhibits talking and catching up with friends we haven't seen in a while. Surprisingly, I knew lots of people at the fair. Usually when we go out, everyone knows Michael and his family. But, I guess now I have lived here long enough and met enough people that I run into people I know.

I guess I never really paid attention to all that could be entered in the fair. As we walked around the cut flowers, veggies, and children's art work, I was a little sorry that we didn't submit anything. Evy's art was better than some participants. And my zuchinnis and okra were better looking too... next year I think I will enter the fair.

So... then we went back outside and rode the ferris wheel. We got almost to the top when Michael said, I remember why I don't like this... it was funny. I don't think Evy realized how high she was because she couldn't see well. I didn't care so much for the rocking of car when the wheel stops but it only happened once for us. Then it was off to the teacups to spend our last few tickets. She had fun getting dizzy.
As we walked by the food stand, Evy said she wanted a hotdog. So we got in line and ordered a corn dog and a funnel cake. She muched on this HUGE corn dog for her "bedtime" snack as we went home. It was sure a lot of fun.

Hurt? It's an understatement!

So today is BY FAR the worst pain for my weight lifting extravaganza... but I am glad I did it. No Pain, no Gain, right?

So... I pushed the envelope a little on Michael's statement about not going back to OKC. I was right... He doesn't want me to be moody or in pain. It isn't that he doesn't want to have another baby, he wants me to not be hurting. He knows I am a little nervous about it to, because I remember it. The shots themselves, not painful, it is what they do to your body that has consequences. Really, I am in a pretty good place. I am enjoying the time I have with Evy and realizing that #1 I have no control and #2 it could be MUCH worse, which has given me a different attitude.

Today was Evy's first day at her "new" gymnastics class. It is during the day and out sweet friend/ex-babysitter takes her. But, I missed out of getting to see the facility and the routine. I will get filled in later, but it made me a little sad. Monday she starts ballet and tap. Michael will take her to that, so I am anixous to hear how it goes. Evy also starts Awana's next week. Can you believe it? She is old enough to start memorizing Bible verses. Truthfully, I have been careful what I push on her, because she is already pretty smart-- and she will forever fight the teacher's kid sterotype. I want her to have to work for some things. We have told Bible Stories and prayed together, but I haven't started any quoting to her yet.

My students at school have been terrible this week and don't want to work... so we packed up the toys and carpet today to make a point. You don't know what you miss until it is gone. So tomorrow, they will earn their center toys by good behavior. I am REALLY hoping it doesn't backfire. I also have to go out to the mental hospital to do a change of placement on one of my students... Can you believe a Kindergartener in residential hospital placement.... so very sad. But, at least they are getting the help they need. So... tomorrow is Friday... one day of work and then packing for a weekend with FAMILY and FOOTBALL. I can't wait!

OMG! I'm gonna hurt...

So... I was into punishing myself today and went to a "group power" class with a co-worker. I would have orginally said friend... but tomorrow she may just be a co-worker for talking me into such foolishness. While it felt awesome to be doing squat after squat, lunge after lunge, 50+ bicep curls, triceps extensions and ab, abs and more abs... I think I won't be thinking awesome tomorrow. I am beginning to hurt now, just 30 minutes after finishing... what will happen tomorrow?

Three of my blog friends are now expecting... can you believe it? Congrats to them. Michael told me the other day that he didn't want me to go back to OKC and get the shots. I see his point. It is painful. I am moody. So, we are kind of back to square one. One part of me thinks that I am fine with waiting. Giving it until Evy is 6- if we haven't concieved by then adopt a child. But part of me wants to try again and is teary sad that it hasn't happened. I thought I had given it to God. I thought that we had made the choice to take the birth control break and try one more time... So what makes it different now? So... I am facing the new challenge of figuring out what do AGAIN... I think it is an overthought concept... just let it go!!