Sunday, August 17, 2008
Isn't it sad she reminds me to pray?
The last sentence of my previous post really hit me this morning. I tried to ignore it because I really don't have time to deal with it and the consequences. But, if I don't take the time... who knows? So, for those of you who have noticed, my attendance at church is limited to the times I must care for children. It has not been a priority over the last 6 months. I have blamed it on being out of town, trying Lifechurch.tv, Michael's work schedule...but, the truth is I am disatisfied with God's will for my life and pretty angry with the events over the last year. Gosh, that was hard to admit. I am not very full of faith at this moment. I want to be. I don't want to feel this, how do I get over it? For Christmas, my sister bought me Beth Moore's "Get out of that Pit". I began reading and it seemed more for larger pits than mine. But, after 9 months of trying to "get over this", I know it will never happen and now my pit is HUGE. I guess my question since the miscarriage has always been "why". The pregnancy was perfect. I got pregnant on my own (evidence of God's healing)it was a great time (June- no missing school, time together as a family) and we were so excited to give him praise about it... why did it all come crashing down? So over the ttc course, I have trusted that it would happen in God's timing, but after a second pregnancy ending (chemical) in March I thought maybe it was time for medical intervention (another opportunitiy from God). I felt very comfortable in feeling like that was the right step. So... what do I do? Where do I go from here? I don't even know where to begin. I feel so far away... how do I get back to his arms? I reconnected on Facebook with an old friend this weekend. I haven't even sent her a message because I know what she will ask. What is God doing in your life? And I don't have a good answer. It is nothing. But, her picture reminded me of a time similar to this (trouble concieving) that was different. I relyed on God. I was frustrated yes, but knew that God carried me. He was usually one of the first and last things on my mind. Truthfully, somedays prayer doesn't enter my mind... unless prompted by my three year old daughter. That has to change. So... now I am hoping to find some sister's in Christ to lead me through this dark patch until I can find some light again. Are you out there?
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4 comments:
Hey there, just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am in the same place you are-I rarely go to church and feel "forgotten" by Him. Try to remember, He is in control, and He has a plan for you and for me, sometimes its just not so clear to us. Hugs to you!
Amy - I wish I knew the right words to say. I read your post days ago and have stayed away afraid of what to say but think of you often and am now back to finally comment.
These storms we go through, I just try to tell myself that somehow God is strengthening me for some further purpose. Scary and comforting to think that way at the same time.
It's ok to go through these rough patches though. Your foundation is strong, I know it. Maybe there are a few cracks and things are crumbling a bit right now, but I have faith in YOU Amy, that your "building" will stand the test of time. Things in your life will be fixed, maybe not the way you planned but in some way they will turn out ok.
Peace and love to you dear. I wish I could help ease your pain.
Can you help me...anybody out there help me...can you help me...this is a reminder from a song I heard recently. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a second blog called The lighthouse - be still. Perhaps this can be a place of help. I do have a message out of a book I have...may it be of some help! DO REMEMBER THAT WE ARE STRONGEST ON OUR KNEES! Love you!
Contentment bu Jean Fleming
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13
We face an unknown future. We do not know what the days ordained for us contain, but we can prepare for whatever lies ahead.
View life as a learning opportunity. Ask God what He wants you to learn from the situations you face. Daily Bible reading and prayer prepare us to receive instruction and direction from God. When we set aside specific time to listen, He often encourages us with His presence and promises, and interprets to some degree the circumstances of life. Take advantage of the natural lull after hard times when you're pulling together the pieces to sort through the events and ferret out the lessons.
The situations we face today can build a greater God confidence in our life and give us assurance that in Christ we can tackle what lies ahead. Incident after incident, lesson after lesson, year after year, as we experience God's great faithfulness, grace, and power, we will gain the confidence to say, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
In tough times, Paul was stretched beyond his human capacity, yet he experienced deliverance. From the abyss Paul asked, "Why me, Lord?" but "What do you want me to understand from this situation?" Paul concluded that everything happened "that we might not rely on ourselves but on God."
You have been on my mind the last few days and in my prayers. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. Hope you have a good week!
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