The Gym

Yesterday was my first day back to the gym since I was pregnant last fall. It was great. I did my best mile pace on the treadmill and then some bike work alternating with weight. I woul have loved to stay longer, but... home awaits with dinners, dishes and work. So I left and went home. I was thinking of going again tonight, but Michael has to work the overnight shift, so I will go tomorrow with Evy.

But as I was doing my interval walk/running on the treadmill, the ipod pumped out my current favorite Christian artist:NeedToBreath. This was the lyrics. It hit me in a place that needed some work... giving me permission to "keep runnning my current race" and not focusing on the pasts anger and feelings of guilt associated with my walk over the last few months... I will try to find some sound to link up!

Take another step
Don’t give up on me just yet
We could take a chance
We could find a child’s romance
At least we’d love until we can’t

I wont run when it looks like love
I won’t hide beneath the fear
Of how my past has come undone

I wont run when it looks like love
I can’t spend another night alone
Regretting what I’ve done
So, I won’t run

The breeze can only be
When she overcomes the heat
Our hearts can only shake
When there’s risk that they could break
Yeah it’s a chance that I will take

Raise your head
Its time to say
Those words that I have left unsaid
I’ve slept through the sunrise
And I turned
Away every time it got bright

Life with Imaginary Friends

I have a 3 year old... she is very social, bossy, talkative and imaganitive. Put those all together and you have the makings of imaginary friends. She has begun to talk about people and things that aren't there. It started with the crocodiles that live under her bed, then the elephants that came at night. All normal right? Well, now she has (at least) 2 friends. Erna and Daniel. Erna came to the grocery store with us the other day. They sat in the blue car cart and Grandma buckled the BOTH in... that is when I knew it was getting to be a "thing". I hadn't heard much about Daniel until last night. I guess Daniel plays with her at the office. But, last night he joined us in the shower... except he was kind of naughty and was throwing the shampoo bottle and ducks on Evy's head. I asked her if she told him to stop and she said, "he won't". This is very serious business to her, so I dare not laugh... but I am dying on the inside. So where do you draw the line. In some cases (other than Daniel's naughtiness last night) these "friends" coiuld be spirits that I think babies/kids are aware of that adults miss. Evy's guardian Angels, perhaps?

So... do I have an imaginary friend? Not like Evy, but yes I have this friend, who can't be phyisically seen and doesn't speak to others like he talks to me. He stays close by my side, at the grocery store, in the car, and even in the shower too! He wants to be around, but am Iinviting him to "play" enough? I guess I should be playing more with my friend!

Commitment

Michael came to me the other day with a proposition. He really feels it is very important to get our of debt (which seems impossible to me). He wanted to make some commitments. He wanted to commit to more exercise and healthy eating. Which means cutting back and phasing out bad foods. I was to commit to some "envelope" system online to track our spending. I agreed that I would try. So... today we joined the gym. He is excited to take his dad and do some working out. I am excited that I will be able to "really" train for the triathalon. I plan on packing my bag tonight.

So... I was thinking. I am committing to my physical health, but am I doing enough for my spiritual health? What am I doing to bulk up my spiritual walk. It seems like I pray in the morning, at dinner and before bed. I am reminded of God's awesomeness during "major" issues during the day- beautiful sky, scary situations, etc. But during the day to day busyness sometimes He leaves my mind. That thought "what would Jesus do?" doesn't always pop in my head. It is WAY easier to live for myself and not think in spiritual matters. The same is true about exercise and healthy food. Sometimes, bad choices are easier, faster, and more fulfilling. But, I am finding that my life isn't more fulfilling without God's guidance.

Happy Birthday Michael!

Today is one of the most special days of the year. Michael celebrated his birthday. Our original celebration plans included a couple days away from home to shop and relax. He decided he didn't want to be gone two nights, so we escaped for one and did some major shopping. He really doesn't like to shop. Truthfully he only enjoyed two stores...Toys R Us and Circut City. But, Evy and I need new clothes. Since loosing weight over the summer, most of my pants were falling OFF of me- a bad thing in the Kindergarten classroom. We had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and topped lunch off with a piece of Carmel Peacan Chocolate to share. It was pretty yummy. We also bought a Blue Ray DVD player- happy birthday to Michael--. Now... don't get me wrong, I wanted it too. I have been captivated by the clearness of the picture as we browse the electronics center of Wal-mart or Circut City. It is amazing. So Sunday, we will probably be lazy and watch movies all day, while I work on the laptop. There are times for that right? After church of course. We came home to relieve Grandma Gabby of her babysitting duty and headed out for dinner at the new Buffalo Wild Wings and then off to find a Spiderman cake. We purchased a cheesecake to bring home for birthday, but Evy is convinced Daddy needs a Spiderman party, "cause he is a boy". No such luck and we settled for Mickey Mouse. He didn't really want candles, so we bought a ? and he pretended not to blow it out... too cute, Evy helped him. We ate cake and headed for the bed. Honestly, I was tired for all the shopping and walking we did.

I have a new clothing store I love. J. Jill. Expensive to wear to school- since it might get bodily fluid or paint on it, but they have the greatest fabrics. I can now wear their shirts, sweaters and jackets... I still have about 20 more lbs to lose before I can wear their pants... it is definate motivation.

The first FULL week of school...

Is it Friday yet?

Let's see... this school week has been a little crazy and it is just Thursday. I'll recap.

-All new student IEP's must be completed within 10 days upon enrollment. I have 3 students who have outdated/out of state IEP's that need to be redone. All three have not been in school for a year.

-I have two hearing impaired students, so I have been soaking up and using signs. Our interperter has been wonderful and a HUGE help.

-Several students have thrown HUGE fits- crying, screaming, kicking, biting. Today's was so bad the students had to exit out the second door. The students get mad and hid under the sinks, tables, whatever to get away. We have had to carry some to the bus. This has happened twice daily or more-- since Monday.

- Another student has been absent all week with pnemonia.

- Parent missed an IEP meeting-- must reschedule within 5 days!!

- One student may be moving to a regular Kindergarten class. I have been testing and talking with the "big wigs".

- The bus drivers have been RUDE and calling the office two minutes after 2:45 to "remind" me they are waiting... and having some out of line conversations with parents... they got 3 chances... then their boss got a call.

- Several students have gotten cut or bruised. I've had to get out the ice packs.

- We have had NO LESS than 20 potty accidents in the last 5 days. One even resulted in poop on the floor- also puke, snot, blood... endless bodily functions. I thought this would get BETTER with Kindergarten.

-I taught them how to play "duck, duck, goose" That was SO fun!

-I was so busy today, I forgot about my dentist appointment. UGH! He will be personally hurt (not really- but he is like family)!

-I have waited all week for my check from North Carolina... it was mailed Tuesday- hopefully here tomorrow. I need shopping therapy...and it is Michael's birthday on Saturday.

So tomorrow is Friday right?

Thanks ladies...

I just needed to kick myself in the butt. It is working. I was able to go to church and listen to the message- which suprisingly enough was perfect for me! Also got up Monday morning and read my Bible and prayed. I guess my unfaithfulness is not in God's plan but more in me. I have started suppression/birth control pills and will be "on a break" for the next two months to gear up for the shots. It was much needed.

I am in the process of trying to find a ladies Bible study group in town- or in internet land. The ladies at my church meet on Thursday morning and I am well otherwise occupied with my 12 students. I have tried to get them to switch it to Sunday afternoons or some evening... but they are all not working women and want to reserve their evening times. It stinks for us working moms!

Okay... so after a restless night, I MUST get ready for school or I will be late. Thanks for the wonderful comments. It helped.

Isn't it sad she reminds me to pray?

The last sentence of my previous post really hit me this morning. I tried to ignore it because I really don't have time to deal with it and the consequences. But, if I don't take the time... who knows? So, for those of you who have noticed, my attendance at church is limited to the times I must care for children. It has not been a priority over the last 6 months. I have blamed it on being out of town, trying Lifechurch.tv, Michael's work schedule...but, the truth is I am disatisfied with God's will for my life and pretty angry with the events over the last year. Gosh, that was hard to admit. I am not very full of faith at this moment. I want to be. I don't want to feel this, how do I get over it? For Christmas, my sister bought me Beth Moore's "Get out of that Pit". I began reading and it seemed more for larger pits than mine. But, after 9 months of trying to "get over this", I know it will never happen and now my pit is HUGE. I guess my question since the miscarriage has always been "why". The pregnancy was perfect. I got pregnant on my own (evidence of God's healing)it was a great time (June- no missing school, time together as a family) and we were so excited to give him praise about it... why did it all come crashing down? So over the ttc course, I have trusted that it would happen in God's timing, but after a second pregnancy ending (chemical) in March I thought maybe it was time for medical intervention (another opportunitiy from God). I felt very comfortable in feeling like that was the right step. So... what do I do? Where do I go from here? I don't even know where to begin. I feel so far away... how do I get back to his arms? I reconnected on Facebook with an old friend this weekend. I haven't even sent her a message because I know what she will ask. What is God doing in your life? And I don't have a good answer. It is nothing. But, her picture reminded me of a time similar to this (trouble concieving) that was different. I relyed on God. I was frustrated yes, but knew that God carried me. He was usually one of the first and last things on my mind. Truthfully, somedays prayer doesn't enter my mind... unless prompted by my three year old daughter. That has to change. So... now I am hoping to find some sister's in Christ to lead me through this dark patch until I can find some light again. Are you out there?