Why is it???

When you things are good, you feel good?

When things are bad, you feel rather bad?

When things are questionable, you feel questionable?

Today I am questionable! The last week has proved to be a little much. I have sort of hit a wall. I imagined that once I quit working, I would enjoy a Spring Break and some much needed rest. Well that hasn't happened, yet! We went Monday to the specialist for a super duper high resolution ultrasound. They could tell us that from all the angles they could see, everything looked good.

We even got a great pic of Jackson's face!



Tuesday I had my regular OB appt, only to find out they wanted me to have blood drawn. YUCK! My results came in Wednesday (after a good NST) with some elevated liver enzymes. I had more blood drawn yesterday and now I am waiting.............*sigh* All the internet research isn't too promising...so I am questionable. In some regards, I am ready to meet this babies...but 33 weeks is still early for them to exit the womb and enter the world. I keep asking God to strengthen me and them while we wait for their ordained birthdays. So, today I wait for the doctor office to call and make a decision based on the blood work from yesterday. Truthfully, this is the hard part for me. I have wrestled with the fact that two healthy babies will enter this world and come home with me. I am still in shock that it could happen...not fully equipped either way. But, it is taking ever ounce of me to put my trust in the un-see-able future. In the God that's not short of cash (sorry...song lyric I can't get out of my head) Not that I don't trust God, I just am ready to be in on the big picture. I am tired from wrestling!

God, you're my refuge. I trust in you and I'm safe!

This last week has been a train wreck for me and my thought life. After our visit to L&D, I have worked myself up into a tizzy concerning these two lives inside me. They seem to be thriving fine. They are moving like crazy and I am not having such consistent contractions-may 1 or 2 an hour usually less- but it still makes me wonder. Good news is....tomorrow I see the doctor so I can have a better picture of what we need to expect during this time.

I am trying to fully rely on God during these times, but sometimes God seems so distant and non-tangible- which is mostly my fault. I am loving that when I am the most worked up, I head to my bed, ask Michael to come in and rub and pray. It is a sweet special time. Evy has started joining us in that prayer time. The prayers of a child are so innocent and sweet. I hope that she gets to live in that innocence for a very long time.

It has been very hard for me to make the time to do my quiet time with God. I am at the place where I feel frozen. Worried that something will go wrong. I don't want to be mad at God again. In some strange way I don't want to feel to close. As I type this I am realizing that it is the enemy trying to knock me out. He has definitely got in a few good punches and I think I am ready to start fighting back. I am not so fearful of losing one of the babies as I was before. Now I am afraid that I won't be in-tune with my body to know when they are coming. Crazy I know.

So tonight, I pulled out my Message translation and began reading Psalm 91. Someone recommended it early in my pregnancy and seems to be my "go to" scripture lately. "God, you're my refuge. I trust in you and I'm safe!" I think I want that tattooed to my arm for the next few years.

If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,

give you a long drink of salvation!"

So now I am trying to hold on to God for dear life. It is definitely more difficult in trying situations than when everything is hunky-dory. I am tired of getting sucker punched by the enemy. It isn't working for me anymore and I am going to take a stand! It seems that I am ready to know and trust God more than ever before. I am calling to him...and am going to receive the best care.

Why does it seem that you grow the most spiritually during the difficult times? I don't want my growth to be centered around bad times. I want to be in it all the time. Why is it that we so easily push away the rescue/help/hope that we so desperately need when things are going good...and scurry to pull it back when it gets difficult. I wonder if it has to do with our culture. The culture teaches that "I am the most important" and that I am the one in control. I guess I got caught up in that thinking that if everything was going according to my plan then it would all be okay...but then my plan got messed up. Once that happened, it became a struggle to maintain a healthy idea of what would be next. I am not in control. God is in control!!! Plain and simple.

L&D Visit

Yesterday started as a normal day. It was Tuesday- which meant lunch duty and not much rest for the weary. By 6:30 at night I was exhausted and started having some pains- which turned into what I thought was contractions. I had a shower, fell asleep and woke up still feeling them. I told Michael we were going to the hospital. I expected them to tell me it was all pretty normal pains and that there were NO contractions. WRONG-O!!!! The first hour I had 11! They gave me some meds and watched me, and more meds watched some more, and watched some more. Eventually about 3 am they let me go. This morning my stomach is hard and I am waiting to hear from the doctor what the next step is....Michael was sweet enough to get everyone to work and school and had to go in to work himself. I expect it to be a very lazy afternoon around our house. Technically I have no restrictions, but I am laying low to stay out of the hospital.

So please keep praying that these contractions and tightness go away.

That these babies stay in there until April.

That I will be able to resume normal activities without complications soon.

Thanks friends!

Thursday and Thankful

Today is Thursday. It marks 60 more days until the end of the pregnancy journey and the beginning of something I am having a hard time wrapping my head around. But I am thankful that this journey for me has been so "normal". I have spent hours in prayer for friends and friends or family of friends who are facing astronomical difficulties with their pregnancies. All the while, milking this fear concerning my own journey. The Lord sure has blessed me and I feel like shouting it from the rooftops. I have complained to him about the pains, aches and tiredness and fears..and he has continued to sustain me. I am truly blessed!

I still can't even imagine what our lives are going to be like. Two little bundles of baby joy will join our home in just a short while. As I type that, floods of thoughts pool through my brain-fast! I have many questions, doubts, insecurities, and fears that rise up. I also have these sweet memories of the baby stages of Evy and am ready to cuddle them in my arms. The Lord and I are working on the other stuff...and it will get worked out, I am confident of that!

Last night, I had a dream that I could hold their hands in my womb. Evy and I lay in bed at night, holding hands as we both fall asleep. I woke up this morning with the physical feeling of a tiny hand gripping my fingers. I am sure it has some to do with the picture I was emailed of the 21 week old baby gripping his surgeons hand during a procedure...but none the less it makes this whole thing much more "real". I sure am excited to meet these little babies.

I also have to brag on how thankful I am for my sweet, caring, thoughtful husband. I was recommended a baby stroller to use for the twins. We have looked around trying to get the best price. Last month, I was outbid on Ebay by less than $2. He has continued to search daily and tried to find the best price...yesterday he did- a steal- in fact!! What an amazing man and I am so undeserving of such a wonderful husband. He has been so helpful during this pregnancy when I am to drained to do laundry, dishes or cook...he has tried to keep up and is doing a wonderful job.

So on this Thursday morning...I am truly thankful for the blessings!!

Cold Pizza and gatorade....

breakfast of the "hung-over" or in my case~ a pregnant lady in her third trimester! YEAH!!!

I think "nesting" has officially begun. Trouble is, my body isn't supplying the energy needed to accomplish the task. Yesterday, after a great night of sleep, I woke up at 6-laid around until 7 and then started working. I was smart, took breaks, but it still left me exhausted. I did manage to wash and fold some baby clothes... man I forgot how tiny they are. I got about half of the mess in living room sorted through. Just a few more things to find homes and my house should be looking normal again. Oh, how I hope that is soon. But, then there is the Christmas tree...let's not even get started about that.

So I start my third trimester today... which means this pregnancy is almost complete. It will likely be my last, unless the Lord has something comical up his sleeve. In some ways, ok... in ALL ways, I can't wait until it is over. It wasn't this hard with Evy. I know that pregnancy is suppose to be a joy....but now that I am older and there are two...it is different. I am still joyful and elated about our upcoming arrival, but feeling unprepared. There is a long list of things I could complain about, but I am trying to look to the positive. Here are just a few I could think of:

1. 64 days...maybe less... left until we meet our babies!
2. A baby shower coming up
3. the opportunity to buy more clothes, cause mine are getting too small.
4. I am sure there are more...but it is still early!

Our weekend plans were foiled due to illness...not ours, thank goodness. Friday, Evy and I planned to go to the YMCA pool with some friends. I had heard that the water would take some of the pressure off my back and legs, so I put on my swim suit and we planned to go. Now, I highly suggest a maternity suit for future pool endeavors, but mine covered up enough for Friday. But, our friends got sick and so it was just Evy and I...we had fun! Then Miss Cori's birthday party was canceled because she was sick. So we didn't travel to Stillwater on Saturday. Evy was disappointed, but not as much as Jessica.

My little Evy wants to be a party planner when she grows up. At least this week she does. (Last week it was a dentist.) But, So since she was disappointed about not going to the birthday party, I let her pick up some party supplies and she hosted a party for my parents. We had pizza on Tinkerbell plates, while we (excluded Grandpa) wore Tinkerbell headbands and used fairy friends napkins. For desert, we had pink and white cupcakes. During the party, we played balloon and ball games. She was happy as a clam!!

And if she's happy, then I am happy!

UPDATE!!!

I have found the thermometer- it had fallen in the pocket of the bag sitting next to my chair. And Michael found the vicks... we are saved! Evy seems to be better- and after my lazy evening of rest, I am too. (I guess) Good news!!! We get to go to the Dr. today...so we can check on these disco dancers in my tummy.

Welcome Februrary

Snow is still on the ground. It is cold outside, too warm inside (for me anyway). Evy spiked a fever yesterday afternoon after some peculiar behavior at church-causing us to leave early. I have since lost the thermometer! I am not sure how things like that happen- one minute I have it, sitting in my chair, 30 minutes later-it's gone, no where to be found!! Needless to say, she isn't feeling well. She has also thrown up the meds that Michael gave her- so she is delicately laying in bed trying to fall back to sleep. My sleeping patterns haven't been too great, either! I have some sort of snuffy nose problem and it is so much worse when I am laying down. Last night, I retreated to my recliner about 2am. I feel like crap, which probably means I am sick- but there is not much to do. Oh, I also lost the Vicks which was another lifesaver in the needing to breath department. I really don't think it is me...may little sick trolls...maybe??

Anyhow, Welcome February!!! I have only one request...could the groundhog tell us that spring is just around the corner tomorrow? Okay- two requests...could Evy and I feel better quick!?!