Honesty is the best policy.

There is just something about being honest! These days honesty is sometimes hard to come by. We teach our children to be honest in a world that sometimes rewards those who are far from it. So here is a little dose of honesty...

~ I love that my daffodils are blooming and warmer temperatures are rising. Can't wait for spring and summer!
~ I had a little breakdown about the end of this pregnancy last night. I cried and said "I can't do this anymore!!" and I truly meant it. But after a pep talk from my man and a (fairly) good night of sleep- I can at least do today. I imagine the next 11 days will be one day at a time.
~ I am thankful my MIL's skin issue is a not cancer and was resolved yesterday...and sorry it hurt!
~ I am having trouble wrapping my head around why I am carrying two healthy babies and others are not! It stinks and I hate it!
~ I am wishing I had more energy to accomplish the tasks I wish to accomplish. Today I will write thank-you notes for my baby shower. oh, and head to the hospital for another NST.
~ I am wishing more people stopped by just to chat or see what's going on. I am pretty bored all alone during the day. I know that will change once these babies come- but there is only so much daytime TV one can watch.
~ I do not like to watch the news....I would rather not know about the healthcare plan or government spending....I have enough to worry about :)
~ I'd love to consider being a SAHM...just not sure how to make it work, or if it would work for me.
~ Twins are very expensive. The EOBs keep coming in and I am hoping that we will be able to afford this new family of 5 when we are all finally together. The Lord will provide.

Okay...so enough honesty for one day. Guess I should get back to my "job"~~resting and growing babies!

Here are some picture of the nursery. We are almost done- just need a few more of the dots to finish off the closet doors and get a rocker or glider for in there...can't wai to put them in their beds.

Non Stress Test (NST) = Stress!!!

I have been feeling a bit geriatric these days as it seems I am spending lots of time seeing doctors. It started last week with an everyday visit to medical facility and has continued. For the past several weeks I have been seeing my OB every week and getting NST 2 times each week.

A NST is fairly simple: Basically they hook up 3 monitors on my stomach-one for each kid and one to monitor contractions. Madelyn doesn't like to stay on the monitors, so I usually spend the time holding it down and searching for her heartbeat. The test can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 40 minutes (average) if the babies are cooperating. Today....they were sleeping!!! Sleeping babies fail this test. The doctors want the babies to move around to increase and then decrease their heart rates several times during the test. Sleeping babies have stable, stagnant heart rates. To add to the stress of this, I had brought Evy with me to the hospital because Michael was meeting a client and the grandma's were working! She did very well for a 4 year old...but it added to my stress. I knew the test was taking a long time. The nurse came in with a vibrating noisemaker and zapped them a little. They were no longer sleeping and she was able to get her numbers a little quicker. I'm not too sure that I like the vibrating noisemaker...but it helped me get out quicker.

I was little upset (for no good reason) after the test was over, so I went to the office and hung out for a while. The good news is that I think I should only have 4 more of these left!!

17...16....15...14..

Let the countdown begin. We have a scheduled C-section date for April 12. This is a nice day. The babies will be born on an early Monday morning...a great way to start the week! It will also be a great way to disguise some of the grief that day brings. Several years ago, April 12 was Easter and my grandpa passed away. These babies should bring joy behind the sadness.

I am definitely looking forward to meeting them. In many ways, looking forward to not being pregnant. I guess I didn't realize how difficult the last few weeks would be! I am thankful that we have the ability to allow me to take some extra time off- which helps with the issues (swelling, difficulty walking, breathing, etc)

So...I have a few more days to get the house in order and make sure that we are prepared to bring home two bundles of joy. Don't get me wrong, most days I am going to sit and be lazy, resting, because I won't get to do that much when they arrive.

Why is it???

When you things are good, you feel good?

When things are bad, you feel rather bad?

When things are questionable, you feel questionable?

Today I am questionable! The last week has proved to be a little much. I have sort of hit a wall. I imagined that once I quit working, I would enjoy a Spring Break and some much needed rest. Well that hasn't happened, yet! We went Monday to the specialist for a super duper high resolution ultrasound. They could tell us that from all the angles they could see, everything looked good.

We even got a great pic of Jackson's face!



Tuesday I had my regular OB appt, only to find out they wanted me to have blood drawn. YUCK! My results came in Wednesday (after a good NST) with some elevated liver enzymes. I had more blood drawn yesterday and now I am waiting.............*sigh* All the internet research isn't too promising...so I am questionable. In some regards, I am ready to meet this babies...but 33 weeks is still early for them to exit the womb and enter the world. I keep asking God to strengthen me and them while we wait for their ordained birthdays. So, today I wait for the doctor office to call and make a decision based on the blood work from yesterday. Truthfully, this is the hard part for me. I have wrestled with the fact that two healthy babies will enter this world and come home with me. I am still in shock that it could happen...not fully equipped either way. But, it is taking ever ounce of me to put my trust in the un-see-able future. In the God that's not short of cash (sorry...song lyric I can't get out of my head) Not that I don't trust God, I just am ready to be in on the big picture. I am tired from wrestling!

God, you're my refuge. I trust in you and I'm safe!

This last week has been a train wreck for me and my thought life. After our visit to L&D, I have worked myself up into a tizzy concerning these two lives inside me. They seem to be thriving fine. They are moving like crazy and I am not having such consistent contractions-may 1 or 2 an hour usually less- but it still makes me wonder. Good news is....tomorrow I see the doctor so I can have a better picture of what we need to expect during this time.

I am trying to fully rely on God during these times, but sometimes God seems so distant and non-tangible- which is mostly my fault. I am loving that when I am the most worked up, I head to my bed, ask Michael to come in and rub and pray. It is a sweet special time. Evy has started joining us in that prayer time. The prayers of a child are so innocent and sweet. I hope that she gets to live in that innocence for a very long time.

It has been very hard for me to make the time to do my quiet time with God. I am at the place where I feel frozen. Worried that something will go wrong. I don't want to be mad at God again. In some strange way I don't want to feel to close. As I type this I am realizing that it is the enemy trying to knock me out. He has definitely got in a few good punches and I think I am ready to start fighting back. I am not so fearful of losing one of the babies as I was before. Now I am afraid that I won't be in-tune with my body to know when they are coming. Crazy I know.

So tonight, I pulled out my Message translation and began reading Psalm 91. Someone recommended it early in my pregnancy and seems to be my "go to" scripture lately. "God, you're my refuge. I trust in you and I'm safe!" I think I want that tattooed to my arm for the next few years.

If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,

give you a long drink of salvation!"

So now I am trying to hold on to God for dear life. It is definitely more difficult in trying situations than when everything is hunky-dory. I am tired of getting sucker punched by the enemy. It isn't working for me anymore and I am going to take a stand! It seems that I am ready to know and trust God more than ever before. I am calling to him...and am going to receive the best care.

Why does it seem that you grow the most spiritually during the difficult times? I don't want my growth to be centered around bad times. I want to be in it all the time. Why is it that we so easily push away the rescue/help/hope that we so desperately need when things are going good...and scurry to pull it back when it gets difficult. I wonder if it has to do with our culture. The culture teaches that "I am the most important" and that I am the one in control. I guess I got caught up in that thinking that if everything was going according to my plan then it would all be okay...but then my plan got messed up. Once that happened, it became a struggle to maintain a healthy idea of what would be next. I am not in control. God is in control!!! Plain and simple.

L&D Visit

Yesterday started as a normal day. It was Tuesday- which meant lunch duty and not much rest for the weary. By 6:30 at night I was exhausted and started having some pains- which turned into what I thought was contractions. I had a shower, fell asleep and woke up still feeling them. I told Michael we were going to the hospital. I expected them to tell me it was all pretty normal pains and that there were NO contractions. WRONG-O!!!! The first hour I had 11! They gave me some meds and watched me, and more meds watched some more, and watched some more. Eventually about 3 am they let me go. This morning my stomach is hard and I am waiting to hear from the doctor what the next step is....Michael was sweet enough to get everyone to work and school and had to go in to work himself. I expect it to be a very lazy afternoon around our house. Technically I have no restrictions, but I am laying low to stay out of the hospital.

So please keep praying that these contractions and tightness go away.

That these babies stay in there until April.

That I will be able to resume normal activities without complications soon.

Thanks friends!