Prayer Request...

For those of you who read my blog regularly have probably figured out that this year is very tough!!! So, please pray that our days begin to get better. I am really struggling to acheive our goals and objectives. They would rather be running around fighting each other. Yesterday wasn't by far the worst, but it had it's own challenges. (major puking incident)... So please pray that the kids would be able to use some self-control and that I would be less irritable. I just want them to learn!

Forgiveness....

Today I went to Sunday School for the first time in probably a year. I haven't been too impressed with the choices offered and made excuses not to participate. I have been intrigued by the class offered based off Phillip Yancey's book "What's so Amazing about Grace?" So I decided to give it a shot. The lesson was on forgiveness...the questions raised included "It is ever not appropriate to forgive?" They shared some very unique stories about forgiveness that seems impossible. The Russian citizens forgiving (showing acts of kindness to ) the enlisted German Nazi soldiers at the end of the war when they were being paraded to the train to be shipped back to their country after killing 40 million people. Another women forgave the 2 men who kidnapped her and her boyfriend at the age of 16 and repeated raped her over the course of 36 hours of terror. Now... I haven't encountered such a need to forgive. But....

These stories brought up some interesting questions in my mind. I was dying to ask... but being new to the class and the knowing the breath and depth would be too much for our 10-15 minute discussion time I zipped my lips. First question... does forgiveness mean it doesn't get brought up again? If I forgive Michael (or anyone else) of some wrong doing, am I allowed to reference it in future discussions? What happens if you are deeply hurt by nature/God? How does forgiveness fit into the category of being angry at God for allowing bad things to happen? This has been an issue of mine over the last months. We all know that the miscarriage last year through me for a loop. I am a forever changed person. I think changed in a bad way... but I have struggled with understanding how God could let that terrible thing happen. I know there is some reason for it, but I have struggled with the hurt associated with that loss. If it had come from a person, I would have to forgive and move on... but my mere mortal self- can't even fathom that I would need to forgive God!! I mean, he sent his ONLY son to live on earth with us sinners, then be betrayed, beaten and crucified... all to save and forgive me. What right do I have to forgive God for taking my baby away? See- it is too deep!! I wanted to ask so badly... but I couldn't even get it into words. Even now, it sounds selfish and unimaginable. But, in my defense, that event changed to whole course of my existance. It left a huge hole in my life and the deepest scar on my heart. I am not really sure I can repair the damage the damage can be repaired. It is hard for me to fatham that all the pain, anger, and emotional baggage is part of God's plan? So... is it possible to forgive God for letting bad things happen.

On a lighter note.... I discovered Wednesday that I never allowed myself to give the characters in the Bible a personal side. They haven't been "real" people to me. I haven't ever been able to fully develop the story- their character attributes are spread so far out, it is hard to really understand who you are reading about when you read isolated chapters in study... So in reading Genesis, I decided that my goal would be to give the people a more emotional/personal side. I really began this in Gen 21 when Abraham lies a second time about Sarah's relationship and then again when Sarah died. In the lesson today (for Sunday School) we read about Joesph being sold into slavery from his brothers. I was able to picture that scene (the kicking and screaming) as they brought him up from the pit and then gave him over to the Ishmealites. I am sure it wasn't a quiet scene. Can you picture him on the ride to Eygpt plotting how to escape? Was he running sceneros in his mind trying to figure a secret way to escape the slavery? It must have been a sight to see.

Getting Better....

or so I thought. I am really feeling a little better, but stepped on the scale to notice that I had gained 9 lbs. OH... that is a little much in less than two weeks. I am thinking some of it has to with being sick... and some with the junk food (twinkies, cookies, star crunch and chips) I have brought into the house in the last few weeks. Really there is no good excuse~ a long list of reasons ~ but no excuses. I have been stressed on birth control and craving chocolate. At one point, I decided that I liked myself the way I was and was just going to exercise but not "diet". So... now after the nine pound gain, I am going back to food journaling. Yesterday when I was home, I ended up eating more than three meals and two snacks. Each of the pills you have to eat with so I let that be whole meal...bad idea. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make healthier choices. Today, I ate zuchinni lasagna for lunch (not so bad, eh?), a star crunch, AND a twinkie (the bad). Snack was ice-cream cake (going away party) and breakfast was a biscut with bacon,egg and cheese at school. Too many calories.

I am also learning a lot from my Patriarchs study. Last week, I was talking about Abrahams poor choices like gossip. It was funny. I have avoided today because Sarah dies in the next chapter. I don't think I want to picture that scene. Poor old Abramham-- like 137 or something- sobbing for his wife who passed away. Makes me sad to think abou it. But, she was able to have Issac and live for another 37 years! What a blessing.

Sick Day.... YUCKO

I am sick today... sick enough to call for a sub. It is not a terrible stomach virus, or cold, but a (sorry TMI) bladder infection. Now, I thought that I have had my share of these in the past... a day of water, cranberry juice and cranberry pills... a ZAPPO... it's gone. But not this one. I actually was concerned enough (feeling crappy enough) to go to the doctor. So now, I am spending my days sucking down water and sitting lazily on my chair with the heating pad. I am hoping that the antibotics ZAP it by tomorrow. It is a very painful situation.

Adoption Application

Michael and I have always felt a strong desire to adopt a child. To give love to a little one whose parents aren't around to love them or take care of them. We can do that! So, five months ago, Michael and I requested adoption paperwork through the state of Oklahoma. I wasn't particularly healed from the miscarriage and was really wanting a baby. (It was May- our baby would have been born in June) We decided to put off turning the application in until after Evy's birthday in July. So... while cleaning up the other day, I found the application. I looked back over it. At the time, I was so desperate to have a child, I had marked tons of possiblities. Now, with a little clarity of head, I removed some of those possibilities. Since I teacher developmentally delayed children, I really don't have the engergy to come home to those kinds of issues. It wouldn't be fair to the baby or Evy.

I have been praying and will continue to pray about what direction is the right direction to take. Adoption keeps coming up. I have decided after a couple months of bc pills, that I don't really want to the shots... I still remember how horrible it is. If I get pregnant, great. If God gives us a child through adoption... YIPEE!

Tragedy in all forms....

"Mommy!!" I hear loudly proclaimed as the pitter-patter of feet race through the kitchen. "Mommy, help me, it is terrible, Gus-Gus is missing!" Such a tragedy for a three year old preparing for her bath. He new water Cinderella and Gus the mouse are not together- She is so distraught. I was able to walk in her room and find all the peices immediately.

Then my thoughts went immediately to my student who's biological mom was killed in a police pursuit last night. Today he was full of mischief of every sort. He was hyper beyond compare. I found out at 2:30p.m. of this tragedy that struck their family just 12 short hours before. What a difference that piece of information makes. You see to him, she is not Mom. But, I know that their must have been sadness in his home this morning after the police visit last night. I just feel so sad for that family to deal with the aftermath of poor choices.

This week has been particularly rough at school. Six of my 10 students are having a particularly tough week. I am sure given this tragic information, it won't get much better for this little guy. But, I am reminded how some of the things in life that seem such big issues are really little. Missing toy vs. death. A little perspective makes me consider how blessed I am. God has shown me this several times in the last days- narrowly missing a head on collision on the way to Bible Study last night, peace concerning an important decision and the wonderful loving family I have. I am definatly blessed to be figuring out what "brown" shirt to wear tomorrow instead of picking out my daughter's coffin.

Dear Lord, Thanks for the perspective. I ask that you are with this family as they deal with the serious issues/sadness/bitterness concerning this death. I ask that you sheild those little boys from too much sadness. I ask that you give them peace and understanding. Amen

Oh... and for those of you tracking my healthy living front- my job is making me fat! The stress is getting to me. I am not gaining, but I am not pushing it to the gym or making good choices. I am emotionally and physically drained. Hopefully, I get get more motivated.

One year ago today!

Michael and I have had alot of these statements in the last months ... but one year ago today Michael woke up with a detached retina. It would take a week to figure out that diagnosis and then he had surgery on Oct. 1. The Lord provided for us during that time of stress and I even became pregnant during that week. To be fair to such an event... I should let you in on the other "a year ago today's"!

August 28- purchased the equipments and account rights for the business.
August 29- quit his job to become a business owner
September 11- moved answering service to new office
Oct 1- retina surgery
Oct 16- found out I was pregnant
Early Nov.- Michael's dad was admitted to the hospital with hemoglobin at 6.something. He would remain in and out of the hospital until April/May 2008.
Nov. 22- Thanksgiving 2007-started to miscarry baby Autumn
Nov. 28- surgery for baby Autumn

During that time, I kept thinking that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. In just three short months we had experienced more trauma/drama/excitement than would occur in several years for most people. Looking back almost a year later, there is still lots of pain and healing that are occuring, but I am definately a much stronger women.